When depression and doubt strike

There comes a point in time when you just completely lose every edge you ever had. The things that gave you life suddenly don't exist anymore, and basically you are looking for that swift kick in the ass to get yourself going today. After tackling illness all week, I was ready to hit the gym today and get back into my routine. Alas, the simplest of things - the fact that my workout gloves have gone missing, was enough to piss me off this morning and I just decided to wait. Since the next two days are hectic with work anyhow, I may as well just hold off for the time being and go Saturday evening after work. Those damn workout gloves have either grown legs and walked off, or someone has pilfered them for some unknown reason. Things like that just completely bring me to frustration when it seems like I can't catch a break in life here lately. Between depression and dealing with a lot of crippling doubt - you just start to really give up on a lot of things as bad as you don't want to. This is the life of someone who has never asked for much of anything except a select few, and life decides he is not worthy of them. I try to push myself to do better and it always ends up being something that dies a horrible death shortly thereafter, or in the case of the last few weeks - I missed a lot of gym time due to being depressed, sick, or both. And due to that, it has cast more depression on me as I feel like I lost a lot of my work in there. It's a vicious, never ending cycle. You try to make everyday as wonderful as possible, but it soon because evident that is something of a folly.


So, how do you combat this? Many of my friends have suggested biting the bullet and doing therapy. Only problem is, I refuse to do this. Which means I refuse to get better right? And do I have a reason for this? No, I really don't. I don't even have an excuse for it. For some reason, maybe the thought of actually being happy with my life is a scary thought. But that couldn't be true, because for seven months I had a lot of happiness in my life and that happiness has been gone for just about as long now. Medicine? Just as bad if I want to completely kill every emotion I have. It's a no win situation because right now, it's tough to really make any sort of changes in life when there is no real reason to do so. People say do it for yourself, but to me - fixing me has nothing to do with what I consider my goals in life - which is helping to fix others. Maybe it's backwards with me (as just about every other god damn thing has been), and I should just go ahead and do the selfish thing. However, my DNA doesn't allow that. Those lovely strands that are helixed together inside of me, doesn't allow these things to happen because they know its not in my genetic makeup.

My DNA focuses on others, how I can help them, how I can make the world a better place...or at the very worst, how bad I really hate (yes, hate) someone or something. People say that hate isn't possible, but I can assure you it is. There are three people in this world right now that I wouldn't care if they died tomorrow, and one of them I would throw gasoline on if they are on fire, then probably laugh maniacally about it. Maybe this is karma's way of biting me in the ass for it all? I just don't see the point in changing my attitude when the rest of the world refuses to change. Infact, I don't even think I should have to apologize for who I have become - because this world never apologized for making me that way. Anyone who knew me 20-25 years ago would not recognize the shell of the person I have become. I used to be a cheerful, energetic, positive outlook on everything type of kid (even if I did spend the majority of my time in the hospital). It wasn't until about middle school that I began to see the world wasn't what it was cut out to be. High school was worse, and into adulthood - things just continue to spiral out of control. There is a way of knowing there is no higher power in this dimension by the amount of humans that turned out to be the absolute scum of the earth, including the one I would throw gasoline on were he on fire. The idea of watching him burn brings a smile to my face, one that shouldn't be there - but it ultimately is. Again, these are all things that come with the mind that currently controls me. One that deals with this crap day in and day out and can't catch a break.

When you add in having to watch the woman you love walk away from you and try to set her own life straight, leaving you standing there alone and wondering what went wrong - it just all comes to me like a freight train. What confidence I had regained during that time was shot once more as I felt my heart ripped out of me, thrown on the ground and smashed under the heel of a boot. I sit there gripping that wound and shaking my head as all I can do is watch as she walks away. The psych can only take so much of it that you are just left with a shell of a man who does his best to move forward and cannot because society will not let him. I can get past the gym absence due to my work schedule for a time, but everything just adds up on me in an overwhelming fashion and each time - it taxes my mental and emotional willpower to the breaking point. I've had several mental breakdowns the last couple months, and many more to come I'm sure as I process a lot of things. The people who want my company for the most part are only wanting it because I can help them in some form, and that help is never reciprocated. It's always a lie, and it's not worth the time and effort to go through the motions because my DNA dictates it. I'm ready to just go full dickhead mode and turn loose. After a while, that pain all comes full bore, and when it does - my brain overloads and has to shut down for a few days. After this "reset" as I call it, I'm fine for a spell as the stress rebuilds over time. I'm just left with no options, and am running out of ideas and excuses to make myself feel better. My writing has come to a halt again, and will be on indefinite hiatus for a while until I get my mojo back, which may be tomorrow, or it may be ten years from now.

For now though, I'm just left wondering how I'm going to do this, and what means I need to find in order to do so. There are so many things I need to locate in my life, but none of them coming to me. Like some sick sort of joke where someone who does his best with what he has, and all he gets in return is the short of the end of the stick. Some have gone as far as to say this is my punishment for becoming an atheist. If that is the case, then I will never return. A god so vengeful he has to make someone's life a living hell because said person turned his back on said god? Fuck him. That same god, if he has a problem with it, can visit me personally. I would LOVE to have a chat with him. I never asked for much in this world, just what a normal person should be allowed to have - life, love, and happiness. I struggle to find all three in the mess that is my existence right now. Like I said, I can look past the fact I didn't make it to the gym today due to the my workout gloves going the way of the Houdini. And plus with my work schedule the next couple days, it's probably best if I conserve my energy. But I will get back on my schedule - it's just finding that willpower to make it fun again instead of routine, and I think that is what has happened. This entire situation is just completely screwed up, and I'm just really at a loss on what to do next. I have to find what makes me tick in this world and get in back inside of me soon. Be whatever it is: confidence, love, or both. I have neither, and that is the most crippling thing of all.

In the end, I won't raise the white flag

There comes a point in time when we long for the things that brought us some measure of joy from times past. Be they whatever they are, from the time you didn't worry about life, to the time you have the love of someone that truly brought you happiness.

For me, it's the embrace. The loving embrace that brought me comfort on many occasions when I needed it. The voice telling me they loved me, they cared for me. The last words written on a piece of paper that lay on my desk: "to you, my darling angel, my life do I pledge. For now, and ever."

As probably guessed, this is another entry of just venting and clearing my head. Writing has commenced and I'm about seven pages in now. Had some issues with the initial opening paragraphs and thoughts, but after a small brainstorming session at work, I think I have it figured out and can proceed as planned this weekend during the long three days off. But for now, until my head is sufficiently cleared - not much writing will be going on, as the things that weigh my mind are heavy and the heart feels the effects of carrying so much burden.

For a time period of a little over seven months, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys on the face of the planet. Due to a set of circumstances from a pair of now former friends, I was able to lay my eyes upon a gal who immediately took my interest. A beautiful woman, someone whom I was told was a great person and I needed to meet her. I did, and it was something that I do not regret. When I locked eyes on her, it was an electric moment - an immediate connection. It didn't take long before we had the first date, a very enjoyable and long night of talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of each other. After that, I took the leap and asked her if she wanted to date. She said yes, and thus began my journey to happiness. It had many ups and many downs, but I did my best to help her through everything. The poems I wrote, the hugs we had, the kisses our lips shared, all of it things that to this day, I miss. If I had one wish in the world, it would be to have all of that back. Alas, genies do not exist and I can only look forward to what the future holds. It's been four months since we parted our ways, and I still wonder what would have been. I still miss her - her beautiful eyes, the lovely smile, the heart of an angel, and the love of a woman who cared. And despite the fact that I seem to be holding onto fleeting dreams, I am still in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I can wake up and see it was all just an illusion and I'm still in February, waking up on the 28th, texting her "Good morning my darling, I hope you have a lovely day. Call you later, I love you."

Story of my life. 

So how does one cope with the loss on this magnitude? It's a question I've yet to answer in my quest to do so. For a little while, I turned to heavy drinking and even decided to start smoking. As someone who has enough lung problems for three people - the worst thing I could ever think about doing is lighting up any sort of tobacco. Neither trend lasted long, so now I've turned to the gym - which I've been at for two months now. The results have been favorable, with my losing weight, toning up, and looking better physically - yet in the end, I've been looking worse on the mental and emotional front. Despite the workaholic attitude lately, working out, and trying to sleep - there is still a part of me that is sorely neglected: the heart that is struggling to mend itself. I'm hoping that my results with working out will eventually draw more attention and I can use that as a stepping stone to get myself back together on the inside. It's chaos in there right now. They say that only so much chaos can exist before harmony steps in to balance it out, but I believe that will be a while.

Oddly enough, they also say that elusive "one" is out there for us all. And I believe my "one" has come and gone. My mind is constantly plagued with what I could have done differently to make it all better, or what I could have done to keep things on the course. But perhaps there was nothing I could do - left with that powerless feeling of not knowing what to do for her, or for anyone. There are few worse feelings than having that thought and sense of being unable to do anything, completely out of answers, completely out of power to say, do, or fix anything.

Only thing worse, is that empty void in the heart where a special someone used to be, or in my case, still resides - regardless of the situation and how things have progressed. Life goes on though, and there isn't much else we can do. Next entry will have some more writing stuff, of this I promise. Perhaps I can sleep now once this 12 hour marathon is over. Adieu for now.

Commencing soon

Now that I've had a chance to let the aftereffects of the mental combustion settle down, my mind is working yet again and am able to focus on getting ideas put to paper and maybe get somewhere with beginning the writing. As stated in previous entries, my focus for the bad guys this time around will be organized religion and the main bad guy is about as radical as they come in any form. Most people usually associate radical with Islamic ties, but it comes in as many forms as there are religions in the world.

Cool moves, bro.

Christianity, the majority religion of the world with an estimated 2.2 billion followers is by far one of the ones that deserves more scrutiny than it is given. With 2.2 billion people following this religion, you can be assured that there are many radical elements within the ranks, ranging from mild ones such as Harold Camping who has predicted several "raptures", and nothing ever happened. Man has since passed, but his main followers did some questionable things during and after his passing.

This woman, as seen in the video, tried to avoid the rapture by attempting to kill herself and kids. When you have people like this in the world, you can assured other, more extreme versions of this belief exist. And that is why I chose it as the main subject for my book, because religion can be an evil and very devastating entity when left unchecked. As noted in the entry examining the problem of religion that began this entire thought, Ezekiel is being used a basis for the main bad guy, a protege of a very infamous historical figure in Jim Jones. Many within the Christian religion distance themselves from Jones, and with good reason: the man was a complete nutjob. But it's not a matter of distance themselves from him, or replying with the usual "He doesn't represent the entire faith" argument, it's the fact that people like him exist within the ranks of organized religion and that is my focus, not the religion as a whole. I've had people ask me why can't I use another religion for the bad guys, thinking that I am demonizing the Christian faith by doing this, but that would be playing into the hands of the world by viewing all other religions as the "fake" ones, or the "evil" ones, when Christianity itself is not devoid of these. Plus, it makes a much more interesting story when the enemy for a book, movie, or what have you, comes from within, instead of outside. Adding that layer of suspense and unknown to a piece of art makes it all the more enticing. 

With Jim Jones being a catalyst for setting the events of the book into motion, it only makes sense to indulge a bit into the other half of the equation: That of Travi Gladius's father, Nathan Gladius. Since part of the book will take place in the past, around the time of the infamous event in Jonestown, Guiyana. November 18th, 1979, presumably a couple hours after the event occurs. Using a historical figure or event and bending it somewhat to the story has been commonplace in some movies, books, and games especially (see Call of Duty: Black Ops II), this presents a perfect opportunity to use the same here and use the death of Jim Jones to catapult the main bad guy into his hatred for the unbelievers of the world, and none more than Nathan Gladius. Fast forward to the present, Ezekiel's hatred is for just about anyone who will not bow a knee, but none more than the Gladius family. This creates a new paradigm that can be an interesting plot point, making the struggle for the main character that much more intense. 

Indeed it is. 

As the story progresses, the fate of the world will hang in the balance and this will shift a lot of power around toward people looking for salvation from the very things being wrought on them by the ones who are supposed to shepherd them. In this, the role of the agency becomes critical as the main characters will literally be in a race against time before all life is extinguished by the "Breath of God". Placing this much emphasis on how destructive all of this can be, it shows that good souls can be found in all walks of life, not just inside the walls of a church, or within the confines of faith or religion. With the opening paragraphs, backgrounds will be established and it'll turn ugly in a hurry. With the first chapter, what history will call the "DC Panic" will occur, and it should set the tone for a very engrossing read. I hope that people will enjoy reading it as much as I will writing it. I haven't been this excited in a long while to begin a new project. 

YAY!

That's all for now, more later once I actually put some words to paper. Adieu for now.

 

I need a vacation

This would be perfect. Relaxing on the beach, taking in the sun and waves, and knowing the days are not even numbered until I get home. Ugh, man - I know I should cut back on my hours of working, but when your life revolves around it due to a lack of real things to do otherwise - you fill that void with something. I chose work and writing.

Speaking of writing, first draft is tentatively underway as I flesh out the opening prologue and thoughts by the speaker to lead the reader into the story. I'm not sure who is narrating this one, though it can be implied from the first one that Travi Gladius continues his narrative three years later into this book. He would know about what's going on, but the status of the world sounds like someone more for a character in the background, perhaps a Chekhov's Gun, or even an ace in the hole for the story later on. Haven't quite decided yet, but I'm sure it'll come to me here soon. I'm leaning toward just putting the characters being taken out on a bus and just never heard from again (presumably, they have moved on to greener pastures in their lives).

It's true I tell you.

I've had a few inquiries as to why I am excluding these characters, and the answer is simple: The people that these characters were based on have, themselves, moved onto greener pastures from my life. Where Travi Gladius could be a reflection of me, these people were reflections of the characters in the book. The exodus of people from my life continues at an alarming rate, but I have been adding new ones to replace these folks. K. I, M. P, and D. W - take care guys, been real, been fun - even been real fun at times - but life takes us on different paths. And a resounding fuck you to J. W for being an asshole despite ten years of friendship. It's all good though, I'm happy our paths have departed from one another.

Roger that Red Three. I digressed, and occasionally have to be told to get myself back on the path. Vacation wise, being a single man - there isn't much in the way of options unless it includes booze, boobs, and snooze. Having a few drinks would be awesome, finding some boobs to enjoy would be better, but ultimately - finding some time to catch up on the Z's I've lost over the last month or so would be the best. All three obviously would be grand, and worth the trip to any aspiring American male, but alas - beggars can't be choosers. Maybe a woman with nice boobs serving me a cold beer and willing to take a snooze with me? And by snooze, I mean snooze. She probably works hard as well, we all need some rest...right? A friend mentioned Montreal, which would be okay except for needing to get my passport. It's on the list, but we'll see. Otherwise, staying local (ala USA) would be preferable as passports are notoriously difficult to get situated, though it does need to be done eventually. Any extra-curricular activities during said vacation would be a big bonus, but I don't hold my breath on those.

After a mental breakdown this morning that has left me in a very sedated state of mind, oddly enough I feel more at peace after a mental snap than I do when I'm happy, I am now just trying to let my mind recover a bit before I make a new move. Trying to press the issue on seeking additional mental health help is a fallacy at this point, as medication perpetually puts me in this state of feeling blank and numb, while I'm fairly certain a therapist would find a way to strike the wrong cord on me and that poor soul would endure my wrath. I don't wish to lose it on anyone right now, because I'm not entirely sure that my apologies in the aftermath would be enough to really convey my lack of being able to control what I say. This is why I need a vacation in the worst way, some measure of dealing with all of this Something has to give before it's me. Because my mind cannot take too many more nuclear explosions inside the old cranium. It's already getting pretty packed in there with all the debris left over from previous ones.

Short post, but I just don't have anything right now. Adieu.

In between the action

Yep, unlike most video games - there is actually a lot of storyline in between the missions and this is where the characters do their most developing for the plot. Things such as reading into the mind of the character, their thoughts, dreams, desires, and their visions of the future create a great dynamic for them and for the reader. Knowing that each character has their own personality makes them that much more diverse and as my senior english teacher said: "They're not robots Kory! They may be soldiers, but they have feelings - they have desires, wants, needs. Fulfill those." Best advice I was ever given when writing this, and if Mrs. Beckett ever gets the chance to read this or the book, I hope I did her proud. When putting the comparison to a book, a video game equivalent would be an RPG. Speculation by associates of the past said it has elements of an RPG, combined with a shooter (preferably third person, ala Resident Evil). Such an idea would be interesting, and definitely have some merit if I ever get famous from all this.

"HAH! Get famous he said! Haha!"

In my original book, a lot of the growth of Travi Gladius occurred during these "down times" when he was dealing with day to day life. As in real life, in our own daily lives - we do our best learning and growing during these times than actually hitting a textbook, or a seminar on whatever it is you may be working toward. Daily life and gaining the valuable experience that comes with it are what grows us as human beings and this is something I shot for in the original. This extended out to the sub characters as well such as Alana, watching her go from being the cold hearted agent to warming back up knowing her brother is alive and well. Allison's journey from wishing to have Travi back in her arms, to being happily married to him. Such is life, such is writing - all of it again relating back to my post a couple days in how life is just one big book we write as we go. Being able to give these characters something to look forward to in their life, it makes my own life a bit more bearable to endure. All of it culminating in the fact that you can make life wonderful for someone, even if they are nothing more than characters in a book. To you, they have heart, they have soul, and they have lives. They are people as well, it's the only way to describe it. They can be a colorful as you want them to be.

Or as monotonous as these guys. Either works. Really.

Another aspect of the day to day comes when dealing with the exploits of the other main characters as well, primarily the antagonists and supporting. Keeping up with the plots being manufactured allows the reader a certain amount of knowing, while also keeping some of it behind closed doors until it comes time to be revealed. Part of it can be relished from the fact that the reader knows something and the characters are in for a big surprise, which can be exciting, or nail biting depending on the situation. Even though they are the bad guys, they are still human in most cases - and humans have thoughts, ambitions, and dreams that have to be seen, read, and put into play for the reader's imagination to go wild with. Most of the day to day is impromptu when I write, as it's easier to let the characters decide how their days will go.

And most are just the run of the mill 9-5ers.

Next entry may have an update on the status of the first writing, still fleshing out details as I hit a minor snag. However, I'm jotting some ideas on the notepad on how to resolve it. Doesn't seem to awful bad yet - the first of many road blocks I'm sure.

Adieu for now.

 

In Trance

Since I have some spare time while I finalize details to begin writing, I figured I would make a post tonight while I'm thinking about it and keep you all enthralled with the prospect of more stuff to come. All that is mainly needed now is to get my storyline together and figure out how to get it all on paper. It'll come to me here soon.

Today though, it's all about reflection and dreams. Reflections upon things that may be, and thoughts of dreams that I would like to see made into reality. They always say that it only takes some measure of effort to make them a reality, but when those dreams involve someone else, it is not a story you can write alone. It has to be written together, and most people do not like having their story written for them. But when it comes to a relationship, it has to be co-authored and has to be an outline that is put together by both sides. And perhaps this is the line that most people cannot, or will not, cross for whatever reason. It is then that you realize that life is just one big book being written by you, and the ones you want to be part of it. The same goes for music, in terms of evoking thoughts, feelings, emotions, or just general well being of the mind and heart. When the mind is stimulated, all manner of good things can happen and it shows the importance of maintaining a healthy way of thinking - a task much easier said than done and I'm the world's worst when it comes to it.

An enchanting theme, made better by the remaster.

During a discussion last night with a few friends and confidants, the issue of intimacy came about and how the aspects of it, including sexually, make a love life that much more comforting and involving for both sides. I have always been classified as a hopeless romantic, and way behind the societal norms as what constitutes dating and relationships, but that is because I choose to be. I personally like to believe that chivalry isn't dead, and there is still some measure of hope left for people like me who are in love with love. The ones who believe in passion, who believe in romance, and believe in true love. (Pardon using an urban dictionary definition, but it's actually the best I could find.) Things such as the image at the left are things I crave, and things I cherish when I have them. I have always been the one to go the extra mile in situations where I feel like I must. Even to those who feel like we don't, we do - and it makes us feel better when we see the smile it puts upon your face. We don't do it because we're materialistic, and we never expect anything in return except to be loved. That is all a hopeless romantic ever asks for.

With me, the smallest gestures of my affection toward someone are the things that make me feel great. Knowing I can brighten your day is the greatest feeling in the world, and it allows me to have that reassurance that my deeds don't go unnoticed. It's 110% or nothing. I miss writing the poems to the woman I loved, buying her the flowers she enjoyed for the sake of it, and just texting her "Good morning" and wishing her a wonderful day. After having such things part of your life for so long, they are memories and feelings that do not fade. Setting it all up as a surprise gift for her to wake up to, or to brighten her day when she was sad. I miss it all: The hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the holding hands, and the just looking into her eyes and seeing straight into her soul, and knowing this woman is the one I love. Days gone by, days that I would love to have back.

For now, stare into the sun and let its rays cleanse your soul.

I'll be back on story related stuff tomorrow, just in a thought provoking mood and had to let some feelings loose. Adieu for now.

Mission Start!

A little music for your day while I put everything together for this entry. A great piece of instrumental work from Crisis Core on the PSP, the prequel of Final Fantasy VII. I actually had this playing during the opening scene in the first book, followed by its immediate next track, which is a remake of the "Bombing Mission" theme from the original game. The title of this entry is due to the fact that I somehow managed to put together a VERY rough outline on the missions for the book, along with main story plots to keep an eye on it. There will be a lot of backstory in between the missions, and more in the way of investigation along with character development. I always do my best to minimize "filler" material, but when it comes to the story, making sure the characters develop in ways that makes them happy is how the book proceeds. Watching the characters grow through the story, just like us in real life - you want to watch them mature and move past challenges. After a while, with everything that a mind can put them through, you have to wonder if they...

That'd be pretty mad.

Anyhow, onto the main points - the mission log is done and the official "count" would be in the league of eight or so. The original book had eight as well, giving it an even sixteen on the series. Much of the time, like the original, is spent in the day to day of the team and their workings toward resolving the situation, developing the relationships of the characters, envisioning the new ones ambitions, and most of all, making sure that all of them play their primary roles to the best of their ability. A character that can be better should always be made better, unlocking their hidden potential.

Unlocking the potential of a character can be a lot of trouble sometimes, especially when you don't have a solid foundation of where they stand. I tend to go with the D&D stance on determining a character's alignment. They are simple to use and have clear cut definitions which make it easier to classify them. Granted, these stances change over time if needed.

Characters like Travi Gladius, Bill Bishop, Allison Gladius, and Heather Greene are all inherently Lawful Good. Meanwhile, characters like the main bad guy in the church is Lawful Evil transitioning to Chaotic Evil over time. Then there are characters like Alana who could be classified as Neutral Good, or Chaotic Good depending on the situation. This dynamic allows for multiple scenarios, and also allows a lot of freedom in character development - even when limiting down to the main nine used in the link above. Some characters fit in the middle somewhere, others can be on one end of the spectrum or the other depending on the circumstances. 

Reducing the number of active combatants during the missions was a top priority this time around, as noted in an earlier entry, about how managing that many guns at once can be a little confusing and anticlimatic if not done correctly. Despite the fact that there will be multiple people present, I'm trying to keep my amount of combat related text to Travi and Bill, however - propriety dictates that it will be necessary to involve other characters. But I'm still bringing that number down to around three or four, from as many as seven in the original book. This will help me streamline the missions somewhat and also allow me more detail to the situations instead of worrying about who is firing next. 

"I'm tellin' ya, it's Who's turn to shoot!"

Next entry, I'm going to be finalizing a few details on how I want to advance the plot and what genres I want to input. The first book had a solid mixture of some comedy (which, the two comic relief guys are gone in this iteration), action, thriller, drama, and even some romance. All of these elements made for good story, so I'll look at how I can incorporate all of these yet again. For now though, I have to get a water pump fixed in my car since it very inconveniently decided to blow. My reaction was similar to this yesterday:

Yep, I was mad.

Adieu for now.

Writing...

It really is. Writing can be very tough, but as ideas come and go, it's easier to get a grasp on where I want to go with this newest book. I feel like I have a solid idea of how the book will open up thus far, delving into the past a little bit for connections sake as noted in the last entry. Adding some historical figures into the mixture can be very intriguing when it can be put together and made into a viable plotline branch that ties into the book nicely.

Looking at how to proceed with this, it was noted in the original book about how the main character in Travi Gladius comes a military family, and someone in every generation since the Revolutionary War had fought in the military, and him being the last in the line thus far. Given this expertise, and his warrior spirit that obviously flows through his veins, it only makes sense to include a minor, but very influential character in his life in this book. Travi's father, Nathan, was also in the military for a long while, joining near the end of the Vietnam War and serving for a long time. This gentleman will have a spot in the opening of the book, or somewhere near it as an Army Ranger that set the events of this book in motion. The main bad guy, name is in the works, was a protege of Jim Jones whom many probably know as being the infamous leader of the People's Temple back in the seventies and coaxed near a thousand people into "revolutionary suicide". The twist I'm looking at doing is the United States receiving a credible threat against a prominent figure (I'm going with then President Jimmy Carter), and a task force of Army Rangers is being sent in to detain the leader. They arrive just hours after the suicide takes place, and from there - they contend with Jones's bodyguards and then him. From a distance, the main bad guy sees this all go down and it creates his hatred for the unbelievers, in particular, the United States. But his hatred grows and he vows to kill all unbelievers in the name of God. This of course, setting the stage for the entire book as SOCA must contend with religious radicalism.

Except they don't rip hearts out...yet.

So, while that is going on - in the present, the main bad guy is biding his time to unleash "God's wrath". As a distraction, he orders his followers to launch an attack on a target to get the world's attention. From there, all hell breaks loose.

Something like this I guess.

From that impasse, once all hell breaks loose (see above), Travi and Bill take charge and begin investigating the reports of religious fanatics at large and ties toward this radical branch. All across the world, new attacks are reported, and the plot point takes front stage - bringing Allison Gladius and Heather Greene into the mix and their continuing research. Upon a return to Italy, they find some previously unknown data that their mentor Doctor Fordham had hid away for such an emergency - Allison finding the footnotes in her locked away research data that had been previously overlooked. This would return us to a look at the place where the first book began, and hope for the future begins anew. Meanwhile, SOCA (now known as Task Force 191) is given full authority by the President of the United States to get into the investigation and shut down the ones responsible. From there, it's the usual game of investigation, evidence gathering, putting the pieces together, and having old names resurface that give clues and hints along the way. From here, the book takes off and the world looks at a complete collapse. A subtle hint dropped by the "peaceful" front of the radical religion could be what tips the scales into TF 191's favor.

Plot twists galore, including insiders on the good guys part. This could turn into an interesting thriller full of intrigue if I play my cards right. After all, having the good guys on their heels is part of the fun. Shows resolve, shows willpower. It will test Travi and Bill to the limits, but I think they can handle it. They are the best of the best. I like where this is going. Almost makes me wanna say: 

Adieu for now.

Double down the right field line

The main character list has been finalized for now, and I believe I've covered just about every base. I'm working on reasons for the absences of several stalwarts from the first book, but it may just be a case of put on a bus and waved goodbye. Insert some BS reason not related to the story and voila. After that, as needed - minor characters can be created on the fly for the express reason of being thrown under the bus or killed as needed.

"Gentlemen, I know you are loyal! But you have no plot relevance. So, I need you to go die now."

Such characters usually have no real importance to the story, but are needed for a specific plot point. These types are created on the go, given some random generic name, traits, and personality. Once they are done, they're done. Such thinking has benefited me quite well in the first book when I was choked by needing a character to die, but none of the mains were ready. Enter the red shirt as they commonly called. Poor sap. You send them off, knowing in their mind they are fighting for what they believe in! They rush in, they aim their guns, they fire off the salvo of rounds that harmlessly bounce off the wall in front of the protagonist, continuing the fight knowing that it will earn them some keep in the story! Instead, they wind up just another body in the count, and they are left wondering what went wrong while you laugh manically!

Making an abnormal face while doing earns extra credit.

Anyhow, moving on. The "missions" for the book are still progressing, but I think I have an opening one ready to go. In the first book, I had a flash back to the past for the main character during a pivotal operation at the end of World War III, in which his SEAL team took down a high ranking leader of the opposition in his compound in Iraq. I'm thinking of a similar one here, maybe a year prior to the events of the book in which the Mavericks embark on their final mission together before the team is disbanded and SOCA is reorganized. This could be to kill a "current" leader of the church, or even capture him, as a way of gaining the attention of the bad guys. I am wanting to open the plot up with some controversy that would be true, with President Adam Hunter reaffirming due to a rise in religious violence around the world and in the nation, and an outcry from the religious to make the US a Christian nation, he reminds and steadfastly refuses to acknowledge this, going back on several former Presidents of saying a nation under God. This earns the ire of many, including the church - who see the United States as the anti-Christ now.

Before the hate mail begins, yes - it is true. If you don't believe me, do your own research.

As I said in the previous entries, I have no real issue with religion as a whole except that the extreme radical examples do exist in the world, and that is the focus of my this story. Your normal everyday Joe Blows who go to church on Sundays, and follow their faith devoutly - I have no problem at all with. But it's these extreme elements that pop up that cause me a great deal of concern due to their penchant for creating all kinds of mass chaos in their "crusades" against infidels, unbelievers, and the ones who believe they are their god's "chosen ones". Those are the ones that give me pause, and leave me very fearful for future generations when such radicalism is left unattended. It can be argued (and it has been by many), that the decline of the United States has come due to the people leaving God behind, and that we should return to being a Christian nation. We never were to begin with.

If you have issues with that, take it up with these fine men. 

I deviate from my true purpose of this post though. With the bad guys setting up shop as the religious extremists, the old plot point that I am believing of using has a lot of sudden uses for them. "God's wrath" "Breath of God" all kinds of names that can be used by them in their unholy crusade. With President Hunter's affidavit, this puts them into action. Now, I'm looking at how well organized they are. I am still leaning toward them having a "peaceful" front for the world, as a mega church or religion (more like a cult?), then behind the smoke and mirrors is the true nature. For them to be a threat, they have to possess a strength equal to that of the world powers. So, perhaps an armed wing of their church ala the Knights Templar. As the missions unfold, I'm sure all of this will fall into place. Or come tumbling down like a Jenga board. 

And it has happened before.

From there, it's a matter of seeing where the characters want to take the story. I really like how this is progressing so far, and I'm liking the idea of having the old plot point come back alive. Tie ins with the first book are very possible now, and the thought of linking it all together has some merit. Creative juices are at max flow now, it's time for something fast.

They've gone plaid!

I should have more in the way of idea development instead of rambling on the next entry. Adieu for now.

 

First and ten

During the usual night of being a grave digger on 3rd shift, I managed to make a couple potential breakthroughs on how to approach the new "bad guys" in this one, dealing with organized religion and a possible church (offshoot church of I'm guessing all world religions at the moment, perhaps the religious leaders of the main ones) that has two avenues at the moment. Either they are presented as the good guys originally, and over time and story, they turn into the bad guys - or if I plan to bring back my plot line from the first one, they are the bad guys from the get go. Right now, they are looking like complete total radicals in their way of thinking, on par with many extremist wings of religions in the world right now (ISIS, etc.) The way of the radical thinking process puts them firmly in the driver's seat of being able to use the plot point to the fullest extent, perhaps seeing them as the harbingers of the apocalypse. I think this approach because it will allow me to add in the third storyline as well, potentially being a character back from the dead in essence and allowing him to roam the earth once more. Of course, I'm not convinced he ever died, but he'll definitely go the way of the zombie in some form.

Something like this I guess. Minus the rotting flesh and lack of optical organs.

Going with this line of thinking though, it does allow me to continue the struggles for the main character, though I see it as more of him being able to confidently confront these things with his best friend, his wife, and his sister at his side and back. Travi Gladius has grown exponentially over this time frame from the first book, to the years in between, to the new book which I am placing about 2-3 years into the future, around 2017-2018. Travi Gladius, a secret agency, versus the dangers of radical religious leaders and their followers...

Jim Jones anyone?

With this line of thinking on the bad guys, references such as these can be made. Incorporating historical figures into the events of books can give some measure of relevance and relation to how the world is currently shaped. The "Black Ops" series in the Call of Duty games is famous for this, having such historical figures as Fidel Castro, John F. Kennedy, Manuel Noriega, Jonas Savimbi etc. By inserting the main character of the games: Alex Mason, David Mason, Jason Hudson, and Frank Woods etc. into the mix with these historical figures, it adds a sense of relation to the game seeing historical events such as the Bay of Pigs invasion, The Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan, and the Invasion of Panama come to life from the viewpoint of a fictional character. That is the aim I am shooting for. We'll see how it all plays out in due time.

Missions are still at a premium, but I think I have a few solid ideas on how to progress once I get a few more things ironed out. It's all progressing really well at this point, a bit better than I had first hoped. The character list is all but done and I think our bad guys have probably established their identity. From here, it's just moving onward and letting the story tell itself. Time to listen to these characters and see what kind of story they want to experience. That is the first lesson I ever learned about writing, let the characters write the story for you.

Sorry for the lack of wit and humor this time around, but I'm tired - and it's another long set of days ahead. Time for me to grab some shuteye. I may be able to get another update in later on this evening once I am back from the gym. Adieu.

Opening Kickoff

So far, I have compiled a list of characters that make some appearance or play some major role in the new book - all of them sorted into different avenues of thought and process. I have decided to go with the idea I presented a couple entries back and keep SOCA around, just in a minute different form. With the agency secured, I turned to the new bad guys for this book - organized religion.

Okay, maybe a little overboard.

Honestly, I have no real issue with organized religion other than the fact that it causes so much suffering in the world, whether it is meant to or not. I have many friends, good friends, that are devout in their belief and faith and that is perfectly fine with me. Doesn't change my perspective of them, nor do I think any different of them. But back on topic, since I have been playing Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions on my PSP here lately, remembering and harking back to how the story played out with the Church of Glabados being the main manipulators of the War of the Lions. However, behind that were the cunning and demonic beings known as the Lucavi. The Church, using a story in their masses called the Zodiac Braves, held onto different "auracite" that supposed held the soul of each of the Zodiac Braves in them. There were twelve in total, and twelve were number of Braves from the tale, ranging from Capricorn all the way to Sagittarius. However, the tale was found to be a total fake used by the church to control the masses, as found out Elder Simon Rakshu. However, despite knowing the truth and documenting it, he never brought it forward - knowing that the church would come down on him hard for revealing their truth. In essence, this game and story within tell a tale about how everyone, even churches, have their own intentions not known to anyone but a select few and those select few are quickly silenced if found out.

Yes, stuff like this actually happened if you were against the church back in medieval times.

Back on subject, I am looking at a similar plot line for this new writing of this church seeking to gain global power and perhaps bring the world under the iron fist of their religion, controlling the masses and manipulating them into making them the saviors of the world. In the background though, another force is looking to capitalize on the situation. Figuring out the details on it is something I will have to examine later on though, as the current outline is there, but I'll need to color it all in eventually. Hopefully it doesn't matter me too angry.

Let's face it, this is pretty fracking mad.

"Missions" for the book are still in alpha stages, but instead of the action orientated pace of the first book, I'm hoping to go for more of an espionage feel this time of around, or at least more of a Metal Gear Solid type.

Complete with sneaking around in boxes? Absolutely.

Going with that line of thought though, seeing as how we're looking at a two man team involving Travi Gladius and Bill Bishop now, it will be easier to manage personalities and keep the focus on the task at hand. Alternating between six characters during a firefight can be very tiring, especially when you take into account each character's differing ways of dealing with a situation and how they react under circumstances presented. Having only two combatants will make it a bit easier to keep up with, especially using the template I toyed with during the Alana/Zack "missions" in the original book.
The other storylines will encompass primarily the love interests of the two main characters, Allison who has embraced her wifely role, and Heather Greene who is working on it alongside Bill Bishop. The pair are still working a full time medical research experts within the agency, and they will wind up coming into play later on when an old nemesis returns from the dead.

Not this guy.

 

The old nemesis, along with the church elements will take up the other storylines, several of them intertwining at times. It wouldn't surprise me if a certain plot point from the first book doesn't make a return, under the guise of "God's wrath" to weed out the unbelievers and bring only the truth believers to the forefront. It would make perfect sense to someone to use it as a means to bring terror and control to the masses, or to play God in essence, and wipe out humanity as a whole. Two sides, two end points, two entirely different ways of getting there. Mutually assured destruction from one side of the equation? Why not. Travi and Bill need something to do, they have to be getting bored.

And what better way to kill time that to hit homeruns off of baseballs shot out of mortars? I sense a new sport in the making.

I'll have more put together by the next entry. For now, adieu.

Seven years

To the day, my friend has been gone. Bill Brock, a man who spent his entire life fighting the battle against cancer, the indiscriminate taker of life in our world. But if there was one thing he never did, it was that he never gave up and fought until he ultimately lost said battle. Never let it be said that he didn't fight to the bitter end though, because I personally watched him. Something akin to Zack Fair against the Shinra army, kept fighting until he just couldn't anymore.

This seems about right, standing there hands on hips and saying: "Bring it on!"

But, his memory and personality still lives on - partially in me, and partially in he writings of my book and the planned sequel. Bill Bishop was created by him, down to the personality and traits - including the signature eye roll that all of us in the circle of friends knew him for. Such was his calling card, and we knew he could counted on for that witty remark when the situation warranted one. Bishop in the story, takes the role of the second in command of Gladius's team, following him to the loyal end to wherever life takes him. A proverbial pillar of strength, and someone who is not afraid to put out the wrongs when they happen. Brock was the same way. He would let you know if you were out of line, and wasn't afraid to make sure you knew it. As such, that is among the many things that made him a great friend. My friend, you are sorely missed in this world and you were taken way too early from it. But as long as you live on in the heart and memories of those that loved you in various ways, you are never completely gone. My brother in everything but blood.

March 14th, 1986 - May 28th, 2008 Rest in Peace my friend.

I know I promised more in the way of story related stuff this post, but this needed to be done first. I did not get a chance to do anymore work toward it today due to the day. However, that will change tomorrow and I will get back to my routine. Heck, I didn't even hit the gym today. 

Adieu.

First look

As typical when starting a new writing project, you have to spend additional time seeing what characters will stay, which will go, which receive lesser roles, which receive larger roles etc. etc. Looking at the list in front of me has an incomplete at best set of names that will stay, and some receiving larger roles, which others may be more compact and defined. One thing I have wanted to do is incorporate more of the minor characters from the first book into this one and perhaps give them some measure of control over how the story flows. One, for instance, is Commander (Captain?) Benjamin Harris, the CO of Travi Gladius's former SEAL Team Seven. The man was like a mentor to the main character, and the penultimate father of the team in the opening prologue of my original book. Something akin to the way that Captain (later Major General) MacMillan was for Captain John Price in the "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare" series.

I would imagine he approves. Only he can say Oi Suzy.

As stated in the previous entry, the team of the Mavericks will be history as I am wanting to focus this go around more on a personal level for Travi Gladius and all related characters. The shadowy organization that led us to the ending of the first book will have a more prominent role this time around and the dealings of this organization versus SOCA and the world will bring about severe consequences. I've yet to figure out yet if this organization is something of a conspiracy theorists wet dream such as the Illuminati, or Freemasons, or something different. Though, I would imagine that if I were to include elements such as that, I would have people telling me to watch my back.

Because aliens.

My other idea has the organization associated with some sort of religious extremist. Looking at the story of "Final Fantasy Tactics" and seeing the control of the Church of Glabados over Ivalice and their manipulation of the war that would follow, using it to weaken both sides so they can broker a peace with the good will of the people and gain more control and power. Though these seems to be the norm for modern day religion anyhow, the actual ones pulling the strings behind the scenes are the Lucavi, demons looking to revive their master. Such a tale is obviously WAY too farfetched for my line of storytelling, but going with the original thought of this organization being some sort of religious organization has merit, and it could be something of a conglomerate of every major religion in the world all working toward one goal, complete control over the population of the Earth. SOCA would be the ones who are tasked with putting an end to this, albeit perhaps in a more secretive way as it may be one of those plot twists where they have to work independently. One assertion I was looking at was SOCA being completely disaffiliated with the government, said to have disbanded, and then work in complete secrecy, operating under their own jurisdiction. Many have said this would never happen as the government would never allow such a thing to go unsupervised, but it is not as far out in left field as they think. The activities of the CIA was largely unknown to anyone except the highest security clearance, and the President of the United States during this timeline has a backbone.

Yep, kind of like this former President.

Next update will probably have a closer look at the characters that will be front and center this go around. Laying out ideas and sorting as I sift, and tossing as I sort. Till next time folks.

I have returned

After a long hiatus, I am back and decided to reopen this little bastion of (in)sanity. From where I left off, the last book did exactly what I thought it would do, re: nothing. I've made a few sales on the copies, but nothing really worth writing home about. Oh well, set the bar low and there is no disappointment. Since then, life has taken me on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, mainly downs, but that's the norm in my life.

One girlfriend lost, one set of friends gone, and one birthday later - this 2nd shifter 1st shifter 3rd shifter is now waiting on his time to go to work in approximately four hours time. Getting the moments together to visit friends has become a second job and the few I have left, I am really wanting to see. But due to work constraints, and with orders being what they are, I'm probably stuck in a cycle of work and sleep right now. However, the extra money will come in handy as I am looking to move here in the next month.

On the authoring front, I have begun jotting down ideas for the sequel, having thrown out many ideas already. So far, several characters have made an exit stage right due to unspecified reasons for now, but their exit has not been established in the story yet. I am working on this hurdle as we speak, trying to figure out believable, yet quick and painless, ways to have them not even worried about anymore. Working on replacing those characters with others than will play some pivotal role in the story. Since the story revolves primarily around the main character this time around instead of his team, the Mavericks are history in this book.

Plot wise, I've narrowed down a few ideas that have some merit, and may even cross into a bit of science fiction thinking. Not so much that it's too farfetched, but given that my book has crossed the lines of reality a few times already, I can allow a little bit of futuristic type thinking. Most of the main characters from the first book will make a return in some form, primarily Travi Gladius and Bill Bishop. Alana, Donovan, Gabriel, Zehara, Allison, and Heather all make appearances as well. Originally, I had Allison dying in this book - but she is too important of a character to lose. Ideas will continue to pour in as time allows. So far, it's looking like something that will expand on the ending of the first book dealing with the shadowy organization that was plotting. I'm looking at something involving them trying to gain power by manipulating the world into another huge war that will leave the people crying for salvation from it all.

As time draws on, I'll post more regularly as ideas develop and as other things come forward. Right now, as for the first re-entry into this world, I'll be pushing onward with life proper. Until next time.

Adieu.