When depression and doubt strike

There comes a point in time when you just completely lose every edge you ever had. The things that gave you life suddenly don't exist anymore, and basically you are looking for that swift kick in the ass to get yourself going today. After tackling illness all week, I was ready to hit the gym today and get back into my routine. Alas, the simplest of things - the fact that my workout gloves have gone missing, was enough to piss me off this morning and I just decided to wait. Since the next two days are hectic with work anyhow, I may as well just hold off for the time being and go Saturday evening after work. Those damn workout gloves have either grown legs and walked off, or someone has pilfered them for some unknown reason. Things like that just completely bring me to frustration when it seems like I can't catch a break in life here lately. Between depression and dealing with a lot of crippling doubt - you just start to really give up on a lot of things as bad as you don't want to. This is the life of someone who has never asked for much of anything except a select few, and life decides he is not worthy of them. I try to push myself to do better and it always ends up being something that dies a horrible death shortly thereafter, or in the case of the last few weeks - I missed a lot of gym time due to being depressed, sick, or both. And due to that, it has cast more depression on me as I feel like I lost a lot of my work in there. It's a vicious, never ending cycle. You try to make everyday as wonderful as possible, but it soon because evident that is something of a folly.


So, how do you combat this? Many of my friends have suggested biting the bullet and doing therapy. Only problem is, I refuse to do this. Which means I refuse to get better right? And do I have a reason for this? No, I really don't. I don't even have an excuse for it. For some reason, maybe the thought of actually being happy with my life is a scary thought. But that couldn't be true, because for seven months I had a lot of happiness in my life and that happiness has been gone for just about as long now. Medicine? Just as bad if I want to completely kill every emotion I have. It's a no win situation because right now, it's tough to really make any sort of changes in life when there is no real reason to do so. People say do it for yourself, but to me - fixing me has nothing to do with what I consider my goals in life - which is helping to fix others. Maybe it's backwards with me (as just about every other god damn thing has been), and I should just go ahead and do the selfish thing. However, my DNA doesn't allow that. Those lovely strands that are helixed together inside of me, doesn't allow these things to happen because they know its not in my genetic makeup.

My DNA focuses on others, how I can help them, how I can make the world a better place...or at the very worst, how bad I really hate (yes, hate) someone or something. People say that hate isn't possible, but I can assure you it is. There are three people in this world right now that I wouldn't care if they died tomorrow, and one of them I would throw gasoline on if they are on fire, then probably laugh maniacally about it. Maybe this is karma's way of biting me in the ass for it all? I just don't see the point in changing my attitude when the rest of the world refuses to change. Infact, I don't even think I should have to apologize for who I have become - because this world never apologized for making me that way. Anyone who knew me 20-25 years ago would not recognize the shell of the person I have become. I used to be a cheerful, energetic, positive outlook on everything type of kid (even if I did spend the majority of my time in the hospital). It wasn't until about middle school that I began to see the world wasn't what it was cut out to be. High school was worse, and into adulthood - things just continue to spiral out of control. There is a way of knowing there is no higher power in this dimension by the amount of humans that turned out to be the absolute scum of the earth, including the one I would throw gasoline on were he on fire. The idea of watching him burn brings a smile to my face, one that shouldn't be there - but it ultimately is. Again, these are all things that come with the mind that currently controls me. One that deals with this crap day in and day out and can't catch a break.

When you add in having to watch the woman you love walk away from you and try to set her own life straight, leaving you standing there alone and wondering what went wrong - it just all comes to me like a freight train. What confidence I had regained during that time was shot once more as I felt my heart ripped out of me, thrown on the ground and smashed under the heel of a boot. I sit there gripping that wound and shaking my head as all I can do is watch as she walks away. The psych can only take so much of it that you are just left with a shell of a man who does his best to move forward and cannot because society will not let him. I can get past the gym absence due to my work schedule for a time, but everything just adds up on me in an overwhelming fashion and each time - it taxes my mental and emotional willpower to the breaking point. I've had several mental breakdowns the last couple months, and many more to come I'm sure as I process a lot of things. The people who want my company for the most part are only wanting it because I can help them in some form, and that help is never reciprocated. It's always a lie, and it's not worth the time and effort to go through the motions because my DNA dictates it. I'm ready to just go full dickhead mode and turn loose. After a while, that pain all comes full bore, and when it does - my brain overloads and has to shut down for a few days. After this "reset" as I call it, I'm fine for a spell as the stress rebuilds over time. I'm just left with no options, and am running out of ideas and excuses to make myself feel better. My writing has come to a halt again, and will be on indefinite hiatus for a while until I get my mojo back, which may be tomorrow, or it may be ten years from now.

For now though, I'm just left wondering how I'm going to do this, and what means I need to find in order to do so. There are so many things I need to locate in my life, but none of them coming to me. Like some sick sort of joke where someone who does his best with what he has, and all he gets in return is the short of the end of the stick. Some have gone as far as to say this is my punishment for becoming an atheist. If that is the case, then I will never return. A god so vengeful he has to make someone's life a living hell because said person turned his back on said god? Fuck him. That same god, if he has a problem with it, can visit me personally. I would LOVE to have a chat with him. I never asked for much in this world, just what a normal person should be allowed to have - life, love, and happiness. I struggle to find all three in the mess that is my existence right now. Like I said, I can look past the fact I didn't make it to the gym today due to the my workout gloves going the way of the Houdini. And plus with my work schedule the next couple days, it's probably best if I conserve my energy. But I will get back on my schedule - it's just finding that willpower to make it fun again instead of routine, and I think that is what has happened. This entire situation is just completely screwed up, and I'm just really at a loss on what to do next. I have to find what makes me tick in this world and get in back inside of me soon. Be whatever it is: confidence, love, or both. I have neither, and that is the most crippling thing of all.

In the end, I won't raise the white flag

There comes a point in time when we long for the things that brought us some measure of joy from times past. Be they whatever they are, from the time you didn't worry about life, to the time you have the love of someone that truly brought you happiness.

For me, it's the embrace. The loving embrace that brought me comfort on many occasions when I needed it. The voice telling me they loved me, they cared for me. The last words written on a piece of paper that lay on my desk: "to you, my darling angel, my life do I pledge. For now, and ever."

As probably guessed, this is another entry of just venting and clearing my head. Writing has commenced and I'm about seven pages in now. Had some issues with the initial opening paragraphs and thoughts, but after a small brainstorming session at work, I think I have it figured out and can proceed as planned this weekend during the long three days off. But for now, until my head is sufficiently cleared - not much writing will be going on, as the things that weigh my mind are heavy and the heart feels the effects of carrying so much burden.

For a time period of a little over seven months, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys on the face of the planet. Due to a set of circumstances from a pair of now former friends, I was able to lay my eyes upon a gal who immediately took my interest. A beautiful woman, someone whom I was told was a great person and I needed to meet her. I did, and it was something that I do not regret. When I locked eyes on her, it was an electric moment - an immediate connection. It didn't take long before we had the first date, a very enjoyable and long night of talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of each other. After that, I took the leap and asked her if she wanted to date. She said yes, and thus began my journey to happiness. It had many ups and many downs, but I did my best to help her through everything. The poems I wrote, the hugs we had, the kisses our lips shared, all of it things that to this day, I miss. If I had one wish in the world, it would be to have all of that back. Alas, genies do not exist and I can only look forward to what the future holds. It's been four months since we parted our ways, and I still wonder what would have been. I still miss her - her beautiful eyes, the lovely smile, the heart of an angel, and the love of a woman who cared. And despite the fact that I seem to be holding onto fleeting dreams, I am still in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I can wake up and see it was all just an illusion and I'm still in February, waking up on the 28th, texting her "Good morning my darling, I hope you have a lovely day. Call you later, I love you."

Story of my life. 

So how does one cope with the loss on this magnitude? It's a question I've yet to answer in my quest to do so. For a little while, I turned to heavy drinking and even decided to start smoking. As someone who has enough lung problems for three people - the worst thing I could ever think about doing is lighting up any sort of tobacco. Neither trend lasted long, so now I've turned to the gym - which I've been at for two months now. The results have been favorable, with my losing weight, toning up, and looking better physically - yet in the end, I've been looking worse on the mental and emotional front. Despite the workaholic attitude lately, working out, and trying to sleep - there is still a part of me that is sorely neglected: the heart that is struggling to mend itself. I'm hoping that my results with working out will eventually draw more attention and I can use that as a stepping stone to get myself back together on the inside. It's chaos in there right now. They say that only so much chaos can exist before harmony steps in to balance it out, but I believe that will be a while.

Oddly enough, they also say that elusive "one" is out there for us all. And I believe my "one" has come and gone. My mind is constantly plagued with what I could have done differently to make it all better, or what I could have done to keep things on the course. But perhaps there was nothing I could do - left with that powerless feeling of not knowing what to do for her, or for anyone. There are few worse feelings than having that thought and sense of being unable to do anything, completely out of answers, completely out of power to say, do, or fix anything.

Only thing worse, is that empty void in the heart where a special someone used to be, or in my case, still resides - regardless of the situation and how things have progressed. Life goes on though, and there isn't much else we can do. Next entry will have some more writing stuff, of this I promise. Perhaps I can sleep now once this 12 hour marathon is over. Adieu for now.