A welcome to my bastion of insanity. This is updated periodically with discussions about my creativity, books I am working on, and the occasional rant and rave. Enjoy the read!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

In the end, I won't raise the white flag

There comes a point in time when we long for the things that brought us some measure of joy from times past. Be they whatever they are, from the time you didn't worry about life, to the time you have the love of someone that truly brought you happiness.

For me, it's the embrace. The loving embrace that brought me comfort on many occasions when I needed it. The voice telling me they loved me, they cared for me. The last words written on a piece of paper that lay on my desk: "to you, my darling angel, my life do I pledge. For now, and ever."

As probably guessed, this is another entry of just venting and clearing my head. Writing has commenced and I'm about seven pages in now. Had some issues with the initial opening paragraphs and thoughts, but after a small brainstorming session at work, I think I have it figured out and can proceed as planned this weekend during the long three days off. But for now, until my head is sufficiently cleared - not much writing will be going on, as the things that weigh my mind are heavy and the heart feels the effects of carrying so much burden.

For a time period of a little over seven months, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys on the face of the planet. Due to a set of circumstances from a pair of now former friends, I was able to lay my eyes upon a gal who immediately took my interest. A beautiful woman, someone whom I was told was a great person and I needed to meet her. I did, and it was something that I do not regret. When I locked eyes on her, it was an electric moment - an immediate connection. It didn't take long before we had the first date, a very enjoyable and long night of talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of each other. After that, I took the leap and asked her if she wanted to date. She said yes, and thus began my journey to happiness. It had many ups and many downs, but I did my best to help her through everything. The poems I wrote, the hugs we had, the kisses our lips shared, all of it things that to this day, I miss. If I had one wish in the world, it would be to have all of that back. Alas, genies do not exist and I can only look forward to what the future holds. It's been four months since we parted our ways, and I still wonder what would have been. I still miss her - her beautiful eyes, the lovely smile, the heart of an angel, and the love of a woman who cared. And despite the fact that I seem to be holding onto fleeting dreams, I am still in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I can wake up and see it was all just an illusion and I'm still in February, waking up on the 28th, texting her "Good morning my darling, I hope you have a lovely day. Call you later, I love you."

Story of my life. 

So how does one cope with the loss on this magnitude? It's a question I've yet to answer in my quest to do so. For a little while, I turned to heavy drinking and even decided to start smoking. As someone who has enough lung problems for three people - the worst thing I could ever think about doing is lighting up any sort of tobacco. Neither trend lasted long, so now I've turned to the gym - which I've been at for two months now. The results have been favorable, with my losing weight, toning up, and looking better physically - yet in the end, I've been looking worse on the mental and emotional front. Despite the workaholic attitude lately, working out, and trying to sleep - there is still a part of me that is sorely neglected: the heart that is struggling to mend itself. I'm hoping that my results with working out will eventually draw more attention and I can use that as a stepping stone to get myself back together on the inside. It's chaos in there right now. They say that only so much chaos can exist before harmony steps in to balance it out, but I believe that will be a while.

Oddly enough, they also say that elusive "one" is out there for us all. And I believe my "one" has come and gone. My mind is constantly plagued with what I could have done differently to make it all better, or what I could have done to keep things on the course. But perhaps there was nothing I could do - left with that powerless feeling of not knowing what to do for her, or for anyone. There are few worse feelings than having that thought and sense of being unable to do anything, completely out of answers, completely out of power to say, do, or fix anything.

Only thing worse, is that empty void in the heart where a special someone used to be, or in my case, still resides - regardless of the situation and how things have progressed. Life goes on though, and there isn't much else we can do. Next entry will have some more writing stuff, of this I promise. Perhaps I can sleep now once this 12 hour marathon is over. Adieu for now.

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