"Fate it would seem, is not without a sense of irony." - Morpheus, The Matrix.
This statement could hold true in so many walks of life, trying to contend with our thoughts, emotions, feelings, and ourselves. When it comes to a point that you can't figure things out, all it takes is one night of soul searching, and speaking with a good friend to figure it out for you. I'm sure there is a proverb somewhere saying that others know you better than you know yourself. I found that out tonight, on a deep level.
I've fought with myself for years trying to figure out what exactly my purpose in this life is. Many a sleepless nights while I wonder about the ins and outs of everything, establishing myself in a solid path that I can walk with confidence. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a religious person. But I am a firm believer in the Tao, and that fate controls our lives. Some people see fate as a diety, I see it as a path, a river if you will. A flowing river, with forks in it that must be decided upon. Whatever path we choose, we have to reap its rewards...and live with its consequences. There are no do-overs, there are no take backs. Causality is what makes our world turn, cause and effect. Choosing a certain path comes with its own risks and rewards. I always choose my path based on which one will lead me to the least consequence. This inadvertently leaves me with the least amount of reward, but I am willing to accept that if it means not dealing with the repercussions of a decision.
Many have said I don't take enough risks in life, and there is a reason for that. Every risk I've ever taken, every time I've gone against the flow of fate, it has come back on me with a heavy hand. Fierce, often crippling reprisals that leave me listless, confused and without a direction in life. As of this moment, I am at that point. Listless, confused and have no clue where in the hell I am going. And no matter how much I tried to make sense of it, to put some measure of purpose in my life, it never worked out. In fact, those attempts blew up in rather spectacular form - to the point I am left with what I am now, searching for my direction in life.
While the future is forever in motion, a three hour conversation tonight has revealed some things about myself that I may not have known, and probably didn't. A few, didn't surprise me too much - the ones I already knew. But given my demeanor, my actions, my speech, my voice, and the way I always offer my assistance to people - my purpose may have been made clear tonight. And oddly enough, it is the same purpose I think I always had. But...in this form, it changes slightly. In that, if and when the time comes - my entire life will change, because of what my future may hold. A lot of these revelations come at a time when I struggle to make sense of many things.
"I have taken my entire life for granted. When the time came, I dropped it all and ran." - Ramza Beoulve, Final Fantasy Tactics.
Tonight's conversation reminded me of this. Evidently - based off what this good friend knows of me, and how my demeanor shows through - he seems to believe there will be a time that I will drop everything except my most personal belongings, and run to somewhere. Where? Who knows. But in a time when my life passes by me with inaction because what my daily schedule holds, this revelation is startling at the least. While it is by no means a fortune tell, it is probably the best damn answer I've gotten about anything in my life.
The irony of it all, is this good friend shares a parallel to my book's main protagonist Travi Gladius, in that they both shared a love with their high school sweethearts, didn't speak to their respective soul mates for ten years, and found one another again and are happily together. The coincidence of this all, is shocking. Fate is not without a sense of irony. That could not apply anymore now than it ever has. I don't think it's coincidence either that I made the final breakthrough on my book tonight, on the night when I potentially made a breakthrough in my own life.
Fate is weird like that. A finicky bitch when it wants to be, but none more strange than when our lives run parallel to the stories told with the black and white of printed words. Like a story, our lives are nothing more than chapters in a book. The characters write our books, just like fate draws us to the people who help shape who we are.
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