A story that tells itself

That is precisely what my novel has turned into, and it was no more prevalent than this morning when I sat down to finish out chapter four. It turned out NOTHING like the first and second drafts, and took a completely different, albeit more directional, turn than I had originally seen. While trying to figure out how to present certain characters and give them an entirely new look, they seem to have figured it out themselves and it has made this task so much easier.

One thing I was wanting to accomplish with this telling was make the book a bit darker in feel and give a sense of uncertain to the characters who are leading the way, while also keeping it light enough that it wouldn't completely suspense out the rest of the story. Keeping with that mixture of dark and light, it makes it a bit easier to put actions in words because now I'm at the point that I am allowing the characters to mold themselves. The main bad guy, while always cunning, conniving and arrogant - has now taken a new turn in showing his lust for murder. I've always wanted him to be a polar opposite of the main character, and it is starting to take shape right before my own eyes. It's strange how this works, and breath is given to figments of the imagination.

Involving old characters in new ways is a bit of a challenge as well, but seems to working out thus far (in that the entire team sees a fair amount of actions as well as the main character), while including minor characters given some "screen" time out of the essence of developing bonds between them and others. One example of this would be showing how a pet dog is willing to place himself in harm's way to protect the two gals that saved him. Dogs are the epitome of loyalty and know that their efforts saved him and he is willing to repay that debt with his life if necessary. Add in that I have ideas for a couple new characters to make introductions at some point, it's turning itself wide open now and my entire will is now focused on writing instead of working through problems. Letting the characters handle them is much more preferable at this point, because they understand the situations better than I do it would seem.

Changes:
-New outline on Chapter Four, and possibly Chapter Five.
-New characters to be introduced within the next few chapters.
-Spreading the wealth persay on team interactions and combat (trying to get all of them involved so its not just the main character doing all the work).
-Scratching out details on making combat scenes flow a bit better.
-Trying to avoid the moniker of imperial stormtrooper tropes, which is difficult in itself.

To top it all off, found a couple soundtracks that I had been searching for and my book now has opening title and "credits" for each chapter that is starting to play out like episodes of a television series. Ah, how things change.

On everyday ending in "y".

A couple new situations presented themselves while I was in the process of writing this morning before taking my daily downtime known as sleep. Differences can originate in so many ways and it can always be something very minor, such as a small detail that can suddenly throw the entire line of thinking into limbo and drastically change the course of the story.

I'm well in chapter four now, and upon review of the 2nd draft, I was only 65 pages into the book. I'm sitting at 89 now, with additional details that I have placed into the writing in my attempts to better explain and show all situations that have been going on and hopefully help build the characters into real people that readers can relate to. One major change I have made is integrating (poorly at times), multiple POVs in any given situation that helps regale the entire circumstance. An example would be, while x character is doing this, y character is doing this in the meantime, usually separated by ** marks to indicate that it is a concurrent situation. Not sure why I chose those, but the books and stories I have read in the past have always used those as a way to show what is going on with other characters while the main characters are otherwise preoccupied in their current tasks.

This presents a small problem when two of the "POV" characters actually have "screen time" together, but this seems to be solved by merely showing it from the main character's view as the story is probably concerning him just as much as the secondary character (any interaction between Travi and Allison, Travi and his team, and later on, any faceoffs between Travi and Mark). Seeing as how the story is centered around the kid Gladius, it makes sense that his POV would take priority. Other times, it may be better to allow a secondary character (such as Allison) to take the spotlight. It's one of the many difficulties of writing, and one of those things that still present a challenge to an unseasoned author such as myself.

Of all days ending in "y", I focus much of my free time on trying to keep the story fresh in my mind and keep the characters talking to me. The more they tell me, the more I write. At this point, I can't even tell if I'm the one writing the book....or if they are.

Short post, but just a few ideas that have crept up on me. Also now have an emergency backup plan to fall on if my writing hits another block. Hopefully this project will be a break-glass-in-case-of-emergency thing, just an attempt to refire my thoughts and get back to writing. I haven't been this zeroed in for a long time, so maybe I'm finally getting the rest of the crap out of my life that was bogging me down. Time will tell.
 

New thoughts

I have been glancing over my notes lately on the conversation flows between characters and trying to make them sound realistic and convincing. So far, I have found that the differences in the characters speech patterns are starting to make a bit more sense and also lessen the cluttered nature, still something I'm working on though.

Originally, most all of the characters have had a similar, if not identical way of talking, but as anyone will tell you, no two people talk exactly alike. I've tried to give each one of the characters a different "tone" persay, as in: Chase Jules, his usual speeches have some measure of smart-ass about them as that is his personality. Jon Gray on the other hand, is a bit more soft spoken and and careful with his words. Two opposite ends of the spectrum, but both coexist very well due to the established unwritten boundaries that come with being teammates in the world in which they live. In a sense, the blending of personalities is a good way to bring the characters to life and make sure that they can live peacefully and not have any measure of conflict of interests. Any, if at all, comes via circumstantial and situational triggers that can be quick resolved.

Same thing goes with the way in between male and female characters in their speech patterns. This part I'm still working on, as it common knowledge that unless there are major influences in life on the behalf of the speaker (such as a female being raised as more of a tomboy than "girly-girl"), most of the time - she is not using stereotypical "male" words that are exchanged. Rather, I find the female speech pattern a bit softer than a male's in terms of tone and context. Again, this is more the rule than the exception and there are plenty of the latter.

The conversations between Travi Gladius and Allison Kadmus have really befuddled me over the years as it takes some doing to get inside the mind of a woman (if it is even possible to begin with), and find out exactly how they would respond in certain situations. One of the main things I am faced with is trying to reintroduce the pair of them in the story as an item while not exactly rushing it along as that would destroy and eliminate a very important plot point in the later chapters when it comes time for Allison to finally confess that her feelings had not changed in the years that the duo had been apart. Developing her character over these many years, she has become the most complex character out of all of the supporting protagonists and I have had to consult my gal friends on several subjects pertaining to her and to a lesser extent, Adele Lancaster - the team's pilot - who would fit more into the exceptions above as I designed her character to be in line with more of a "tomboy with female traits", in that - she is "one of the guys" normally, but also knows that special occasions call for special circumstances and exceptions in that she is not afraid to get fancied up if the occasion dictates so, such as at the end of the book.

Moving into chapter four now and one thing I have really concentrated on is the slowing of the pace of the story and delving more into the day-to-day activities of the team, hopefully without killing the story in the process. As it continues, things pick up as the missions toward finding out the true meaning behind the Project Alpha attacks continues to build. I have also added in some subtle hints that Mark is working for his own ends, which adds another element to it all in how devious and truly evil his character is and can be. I plan to try and showcase this more as I go, hopefully making it all into an interesting story that has a good mix of action, espionage, dark tones, and romance to make it intriguing. Building the characters up, especially Travi, over the course of the book is proving to be quite the chore, but I think its starting to flow a bit better now and I'm actually starting to like the way that things are moving with it. Perhaps I may finally get somewhere with this writing project and not have it be collecting dust on the shelves for months/years at a time.

More later, adieu.  

Living a bitter existence

We all have our moments of doubt and pain in life, and usually we find a way to push through it and move on. But what if it feels like your entire existence is nothing but a life of bitterness and jaded thought?

I live such a life and for pretty good reason all things considering. I don't blame others for my downfalls, nor my current situation, nor anything that has happened over the 26 years of my life. I am the type of person that everyone doesn't like to be around, the negative thinking, bitter individual that only looks at what can go wrong and why.

Many people call this outlook pessimism. I call it realism. Life is brutal, unfair and fate along with karma completely undue whatever myriad of good works and feelings you have on a daily basis. I blame no one but myself for all of this, but I also have to look at what put me in the situation. Lack of faith? No. I had plenty of it for years before I gave it up. Everyone says that if I think positive, it will be positive. I hate to say this, but I have tried that as well and it never works.
I consider myself a jinx with a jaded life. Every time I do or receive something positive, they never snowball for more positive to help me get myself in a good mindset. That positive I receive is often given at a heavy cost, or is immediately followed by a strong, usually equal or greater, negative. Anything from being able to get healthy, only to injure something - to filing bankruptcy as I currently am, and finding out I may smacked with a presumption of fraud due to the new laws enacted back in 2005 concerning the bankruptcy code.

I'm not sure why I even try anymore. Perhaps for my friends and family? But anymore, that's all I have. People say that's all you need, and that may be true. But let's face it, living a jaded life where you expect nothing to go right (rarely does anyhow), everything to go wrong, and never being able to appreciate any positives because they are immediately followed with stress, is just how I am.
I tried changing it, but I can't. I cannot change who I am because it is who I choose to be.

This is yet another reason why I write. An escape where I can give my characters a positive that is not followed by a negative. A life where they are not always thinking of the worst.

A life...where true happiness can be attained.

Into the new ages

First off, congratulations to my friends Ashley and John for their commitment to one another and here is to many years of them avoiding the urge to kill each other.
Good luck to both of you :)

But I guess since we're on that topic, it is one that I'll touch on because of carries some significance in my life. No, I'm not married (don't plan to be, and will make attempts to make sure I don't), but it hails to an important plot point within my writings, especially my novel. And it is often said that a writer bases a lot of the characters, events and such on actual events in their life. More so on the characters and the context in which they are presented.

As many know that have followed my ideas and writing through the months (years?), the main character and his childhood sweetheart wind up reunited through the course of the first few chapters of the novel and their relationship quickly is rekindled after figuring out the pair of then both sought to keep their promise to one another. But I noticed that most all of my writings have some measure of romance in them, and this even extends toward some other aspects of my life.

Going back to the original point, some say that writing is a way to build the world in which you would want to live in. So therefore, is my subconscious really telling me that my life would be better as a married/commitment man? Even though my thoughts and wishes say otherwise, it is strange how your heart and soul will come forward with such emotions in the form of writing.
Perhaps I am merely following the character's heart? They say that the characters will tell you what they want to do, and you should listen. So, it is entirely possible that I am letting my main character live my ideal life for me. If that is the case, then I can be truly happy. At least someone/thing is.

Look back at the myriad of works over the years and all of them contain some measure of romance for the main character. Infinitey in my Matrix Online fic, Allison in my novel, Nicole in another short story I wrote. All of them had fallen in love with their respective main characters, and they all wind up with the ideal wish for a wonderful life together.
So, perhaps it does come down to my characters living a wonderful life for me. If that is the case, then Travi Gladius truly has the flawless diamond of unmatched perfection in Allison Kadmus. It causes him to find a new meaning for his life and shows how much he grows over the course of the book.

The pair of which had their love begin as kids. Only to culminate to them both saying "I do" at the altar. Ten years of waiting, and they did so for a reason. A story that only a bard could spin, but one that makes for a feel good sideliner in the otherwise dark-ish tellling of Project: Alpha.

Adieu.

The friendzone

I'm sure a lot of guys (gals too) are familiar with this phrase. The friendzone, that lovely little area in life where most all good people searching for meaningful relationships wind up. It is the place that when places there, you are no longer an option as far as relationships go (other than friends). You are not even eligible for benefits in the position, you are just a friend and probably a damn good one too.

It is no secret anymore that the norm for society is that the nice people finish last. For the purposes of this post, I'll refer to guys. Think about how many times you have been denied the love of someone you really love. Think of how many times you have told her your feelings, only to have her say she is not good enough for you, or you can find someone better or, my personal favorite: "I just don't see you that way." There are of course others, the infamous speech of how she is not ready to commit to a relationship, then dates someone literally days later. All good ones, but they all lead you to the same place: The Friendzone.

An area where even when you try to do the greatest, in feminine terms "sweetest" thing for a lady friend, they enjoy it and then talk about what a great guy you are and how she'd like to find a boyfriend just like you. That's another good one: "I hope I can find a boyfriend just like you!" instead of: "Wow, is this really happening?"

Ladies, when we do something like listen to you on the phone for hours at a time, normally complaining about something, its because we care about you. When we find out something awful happened and we take time out of our days to come over and talk to you, its because we care about you. When we show up with flowers,  its not because we just felt the need to spend money, its because we care about you and more than likely, are trying to convey a message to you. That message is, we're interested.

But instead, the usual response is: "Oh, you are so sweet! Thank you! You're the best friend ever." And while we'll smile and nod, and say no problem, on the inside, you just crushed us. But we'll put a good face on, just because we care about you and its not in our blood to get mad and berate or insult you like some asshats are prone too. We have class about us and know that treating a woman like dirt is wrong in any form. Respect, courtesy, and kindness - are they really that alien?

One counterargument I get is that if women tried to date their good guy friends, they run the risk of messing the friendship up. While this is plausible, it is simply a cop-out. You already know you can trust this guy, and have turned to him for everything except what comes with a relationship, that argument is invalid and irrelevant, its trite and overused. More than likely, you all are best friends because you share some form of common interests, probably trust each other a lot, and know enough about them to see that they will not change.
By not dating the good guy friends, you run the risk of losing them entirely.

I know this doesn't happen on just our side of the equation, but I have seen it more with guys being put into that dreaded zone than gals. And when us guys go there, we do it because we are hoping that eventually you will see, the reason we got involved with you in the first place is because we were interested in you. It doesn't have to be about sex, and rarely, it is. The good guys want a meaningful, deep connected relationship as much as women do, whether they will admit it or not.

So ladies, next time you complain to your good guy friend about the asshole you're dating, just remember that the answer to all your problems may be sitting right in front of you. And whenever you ask where all the good guy are...

They're in the friendzone, right where you left them.

Memories, dreams and spectres of the past.

Not that many read this thing, but it does give me the chance to document the turmoil in my life. I use that term because that is the correct one for my life at present. Been in conversation with a lot of people lately, and it has me thinking about how many folks I have lost touch with, or I have, somehow, managed to upset and that would cause them to not speak with me anymore. I guess I can never understand the tenants of my age group and how I'm an outsider in pretty much every aspect of life. But the theories I have, have given me some perspective into it all as I glance back into the memories that flood back as I think about certain things.

 

It has been 14 months since I put my oldest dog to sleep as a mercy to end her suffering. To this day, I am saddened when I think about it, and the thought alone is enough to catapult me into a deep loneliness and depression.

The usual dealing with coworkers and lamenting about the fact I forgot to pay a bill today. I've also been dreaming vividly as of late, about random things mainly - some of which make no sense, some that do, and the majority that cannot be explained. A few nights ago, I dreamt of an old friend that I had taken a genuine liking to during our times together in Star Wars Galaxies. I recall a few many things that we had done together, including a surprise I received from her in game. I was even very close to actually meeting her and treating her to a weekend at an anime convention, something we both enjoyed. However, that never came to fruition. We attempted to swap phone numbers, and many thought that she was keeping something away from me. Whatever the case may be, I have lost contact with her and everything else aside, she was still a good friend and soul that I could count on to be there for a lent ear and voice of reason. But contact has been lost, as has been the story of my life.

 

The story of my life, one that has been marred since day one, literally.

 

A lot of people blame my lack of happiness on my negative outlook. First off, I don't consider it a negative outlook, I consider it a realist outlook. Positive connotation toward life, in my opinion, leads to deep disappointment and pain. I know, I've done that. I consider it folly, but I don't jeer the ones who believe in it. I personally don't - it just leads to heartbreak. My life is in shambles, I've had many folks decide to kick dirt on me by letting me know they "told me so" on many a subject, and at this point - I personally don't care. And while I know not everyone's life is kosher, the majority of those around me have things to grab ahold of dear to them. Be it husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, kids, pets or whatever - all I have left in my life is a handful of friends and a few family that are content that I am who I am and not judging me based off what I am not. I know what I am, I know what I am not.

 

I am a sad, sorry existence of life that does his best to put a good face on in his daily ongoings. But those dear to me know the truth, and it is anything but good in my life. As I sit here, I have felt weird pings all day in various areas of my body in terms of pain. Nothing to write home about, but enough that it is noticible and makes me wonder if my body is starting to rebel against itself a bit with all the stress.

 

Stress, something that has been killing me lately due to worry about everything since I rarely have else to think about. Most all vestiges of the carefree attitude I had at one point has disappeared and the more I stop and look at my life without distractions, it's just amazing how quick things turned on me.

 

Spectres of the Past is finally completed, and turned my attention back to the original book. Sorting new ideas, the usual stuff that probably won't pan out - but hey. Anything can happen.