Not that many read this thing, but it does give me the chance to document the turmoil in my life. I use that term because that is the correct one for my life at present. Been in conversation with a lot of people lately, and it has me thinking about how many folks I have lost touch with, or I have, somehow, managed to upset and that would cause them to not speak with me anymore. I guess I can never understand the tenants of my age group and how I'm an outsider in pretty much every aspect of life. But the theories I have, have given me some perspective into it all as I glance back into the memories that flood back as I think about certain things.
It has been 14 months since I put my oldest dog to sleep as a mercy to end her suffering. To this day, I am saddened when I think about it, and the thought alone is enough to catapult me into a deep loneliness and depression.
The usual dealing with coworkers and lamenting about the fact I forgot to pay a bill today. I've also been dreaming vividly as of late, about random things mainly - some of which make no sense, some that do, and the majority that cannot be explained. A few nights ago, I dreamt of an old friend that I had taken a genuine liking to during our times together in Star Wars Galaxies. I recall a few many things that we had done together, including a surprise I received from her in game. I was even very close to actually meeting her and treating her to a weekend at an anime convention, something we both enjoyed. However, that never came to fruition. We attempted to swap phone numbers, and many thought that she was keeping something away from me. Whatever the case may be, I have lost contact with her and everything else aside, she was still a good friend and soul that I could count on to be there for a lent ear and voice of reason. But contact has been lost, as has been the story of my life.
The story of my life, one that has been marred since day one, literally.
A lot of people blame my lack of happiness on my negative outlook. First off, I don't consider it a negative outlook, I consider it a realist outlook. Positive connotation toward life, in my opinion, leads to deep disappointment and pain. I know, I've done that. I consider it folly, but I don't jeer the ones who believe in it. I personally don't - it just leads to heartbreak. My life is in shambles, I've had many folks decide to kick dirt on me by letting me know they "told me so" on many a subject, and at this point - I personally don't care. And while I know not everyone's life is kosher, the majority of those around me have things to grab ahold of dear to them. Be it husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, kids, pets or whatever - all I have left in my life is a handful of friends and a few family that are content that I am who I am and not judging me based off what I am not. I know what I am, I know what I am not.
I am a sad, sorry existence of life that does his best to put a good face on in his daily ongoings. But those dear to me know the truth, and it is anything but good in my life. As I sit here, I have felt weird pings all day in various areas of my body in terms of pain. Nothing to write home about, but enough that it is noticible and makes me wonder if my body is starting to rebel against itself a bit with all the stress.
Stress, something that has been killing me lately due to worry about everything since I rarely have else to think about. Most all vestiges of the carefree attitude I had at one point has disappeared and the more I stop and look at my life without distractions, it's just amazing how quick things turned on me.
Spectres of the Past is finally completed, and turned my attention back to the original book. Sorting new ideas, the usual stuff that probably won't pan out - but hey. Anything can happen.
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