A running fight

The first sets of feedback from my potential readers has been resoundingly positive thus far. One has told me she had trouble putting it down, and had to tell her husband to shut up a few times while she was reading. Whether that is a good thing or not, I'll never know. (Looking at you K.Hannah, lol)
A second has told me that the little she has read so far has been interesting and she likes my style of writing, another good notch.
A third has been sent the copy for reading and will be over the course of the next few days. She has read some of my other work and seems pretty excited about it. The wonderful thing about all of it is that these three are hardly my target audience, but one quip I tried to play into the book is to encompass many different interests by including many different genres and thoughts to attract a larger base of readers. Incorporating things like suspense, thriller, some drama, some romance - all of it can be used to lure in potential readers that may enjoy other aspects of the writing as well as the parts in which they seem to favor.

The two favored characters from the first "critic", was cited as being the main character and his sister. I find this rather odd in one aspect, as I was hoping the main character would be someone people could or would relate to, but to see that his sister, a character only added in during this writing with no real pre-thought (although there are several entries concerning her on the blog, they can be found here, here, here, there, over there, and finally behind you.
From all of that, came Alana Gladius and she is NOTHING like what I had envisioned her as - which is a good thing. Some of those ideas on those posts were so out in left field, I would be sitting in nosebleed. Where she wound up, as the elder sister of the Gladius trio, adds an extra dimension to the story and lets their show a new angle on the struggle behind it all. Even if her character is only introduced halfway through the book, to know that she made such an impact in such little time - I call that mission accomplished.

Many of the newer characters also came about in their own way after replacing some of the other, lesser knowns from the second draft.  Those characters wound up as nothing more than filler upon a review. These newer ones actually had some life and background to them - adding yet another dimension of the struggles of a strong group doing their best to live through the story as expectations pile upon them. Given these revelations, all in all - it has turned into a successful venture. Time will tell how this ends, but publishing is the next logical step - and that is the step I will be making,

Examining the post effects of words and update on revisions.

A conversation between a coworker and I brought this forward today, discussing why I am not attending my company's employee outing.

Me: "I'm not going because there are people that don't like me, and I don't like them. To mingle with them in this place is bad enough, but on my time? Not happening."

Coworker: "Yeah, you're right. There are a lot of people who don't like you."

Me: "And I don't like them. Infact, if they, or someone in their family, died tomorrow - know how many cares I'd give? Answer: zero. I would careless."

Coworker: <looks at me with a blank stare, then laughs> "No wonder people hate you."

Me: "Its a mutual feeling. I'm sure most of these same people could careless if I, or anyone in my family, died. So, meh."

Later this day, I was asked by a few other people as to why people hate me. Its pretty simple, I say the things that no one else has the guts or will to say when the situation warrants it. Anyone who knows me will echo this sentiment when I say that I am not one to conform to the norm and I am one of those people who, while everyone is caught up in the wave of what you are "supposed to do" in certain situations, will swim against that wave. The norm dictates that when a woman is pregnant with a child, we're supposed to cheer and be happy.

Not me.

No, I am the one who look at someone, sweep a hand around, and ask how anyone could bring a child into this world, as messed up as it is. That being said, I have no say in how many kids people want to spit out, nor would I want to. I am not a kid person, I have two nieces - I love them to death, but that is the extent of my child personality-loving self. Just as I have no say in how someone raises their child, even though I can look at some instances of such and realize that the child will grow up to be nothing more than another blight on society someday. In other instances, I can look at a child and see them growing into responsible adults that will do their families and the world proud.

Mothers who are quick to pull out divorce papers and rip kids away from their fathers at the slightest motion that they were inflicted a grave injustice. Fathers who would abandon their families out of fear, hatred, or whatever other emotion. It is the situations that make our world messed up. I have seen it far too often, and I know of one personally who probably had a lawyer ready to go with divorce papers the day she signed her name to the marriage certificate to a man I used to call a friend. I can only sit back and wait to see if my prediction comes true.

Moving forward, I was accused of being a miserable person about a week ago. While this may or may not be true, I am not a miserable person at all. Its just when it all comes down to it, I - along with my family and friends that have stuck me with through it all, are all that matter to me. I am not here to impress anyone, nor am I here to please anyone. The people who cause me trouble at not worth it in the end, as many have found over the last year. The friends I have now, the family that still accept me as me, are the only ones who are the people I care about.

I'm not miserable, I just don't care about the majority of things that worry the majority of people. And I also find it as an injustice when people take advantage of others.

Especially when those others are people I actually give a damn about.

Onto the second part of this entry involves the revisions history on the book - which are progressing at a slow, but steady pace. First feedback I received was resoundingly positive, story-telling being said as being smooth and transitional. Travi and Alana Gladius took the center spotlight as favorite characters for their depth and connection - something I was moving toward for the pair. I am glad to see that seeing as how Alana's character was put together without much foresight, she came out to be a wonderful character that has a whole other side of the story to be told if she so wishes.

Just the thing I was worried about, and it was absolved. Her character has become very important to the story, despite her hiding in the shadows until about mid-way through. With her emergence, the story gains another side of it, and it becomes much more complex, but also adds another layer of intrigue. Her personality compliments her partner in Zack, and her vulnerable side is shown on a couple occasions for the readers to delve into - underneath her witty, flirty personality hides a woman who is pained just as much as her brother for the atrocities she suffered at the hands of her adversary. As it comes full circle, she emerges as the same strong, confident person as her brother - but her wit and flirt are now more natural instead of ways of hiding her pain.

Alana, like her brother Travi:
Swift as the coursing river,
with all the force of a great typhoon,
with all the strength of a raging fire,
mysterious as the dark side of the moon. - "I'll make a man out of you." - Mulan

It's fitting, if you think about it. 

Adieu.

Is it possible to go in the wrong direction when you are certain you are right?

I'm thinking of doing a weekly installment of this thing, so that I will remember to keep it updated. Since the book is now complete and revisions are underway, I can focus on other things now. Dealing with life in general has left me a little winded lately, and a few of the traits in humanity that completely irk me have left me confounded how such folks are even given the chance to right themselves.

There are several things in this life that piss me off, among them is the fact that people will take advantage of others. Some indirectly, some directly. Either way, whenever it happens - you try to tell the person what they are doing is wrong, correct? But what if you have that one that will not listen for whatever reason? Be it ego, drilled in their ways, or just simply convinced that they are not, no matter how much the evidence piles against them? Either way, we know that as humans, manipulating and taking advantage of others downfalls is evil and wrong. These types of people are the ones who, when you try to convince them of their error, will tell you that they are not doing such things and will scoff when you confront them about it.

Is it then, when you realize just how much humanity is doomed?

Add in that these same folks will then try to justify their positions with nothing more than false statements and their convictions that they are right, and you have a situation where people are just hopelessly lost in their own ways, and there is no way to stop any of it. These are the same people who will come into your home and take over the place like its theirs - establishing rules that the household will follow because they said so. You know this is wrong, and most normal humans will stand up and tell said person to get out, and only to come back when they realize their error.

Is it then, when you realize just how much humanity is doomed?

These people have no respect for you, but demand it at all times from everyone around them.
They will take over functions that are not theirs.
They will claim that everything they can do cannot be done any better.
They will claim the victim everytime something is turned on them.
They will say that they are never in the wrong for anything, and accuse you of being the one who is in the wrong?

Even if you are right and everyone around you, except them, knows it.

Adieu.

Of red ink, red roses, and red blood.

11:35am on a Thursday afternoon, yet another two months after I last updated this thing. Once more, I question why I keep it.

Probably due to the fact that I have (finally) finished my 3rd draft. *crickets chirping* That's if anyone was keeping score at this point, which I doubt is many. I can say with all honesty though that this draft is the one I plan to keep, I like how it evolved, how the characters (old and new) came together, and the new plot twists really helped make it into a solid story.

The hard part now is sorting through the red ink while I make changes, revisions, edits, and fixing small things. A complete read-through and edit will be done in the next couple weeks and while it is sorely needed, I doubt a final draft will be wrote. I should be able to make the necessary changes, fix the errors, review and revise some areas that may need it, but overall - the structure is firm, and it looks as though all of it will come together rather well. I had contemplated some changes in the makeup of a few characters, but decided not to. They all serve a really good purpose in the book, and all of them show signs that the story may not be over. That being said, don't expect a sequel or anything tied into this anytime soon. I have no source material, and this project has taken twelve years to deliver on. What would I do with such time? Heck if I know. However, revisions will be made and edits will be done. E-book publishing seems to be the way I'll go, it appears rather inexpensive, but is a bit complex in that I am required to do all the work. However, if it all works out correctly, it will be on the likes of Amazon very soon.

Next steps obviously are always up in the air as one day to the next can be a complete. My little fanfic I wrote in the MxO universe will be examined again soon, revisions to it will probably be made and a rewrite as a little side project. Other than that, it's grim on the creative side - my gaming addictions probably don't help that.

When it comes to red roses and red blood though, you can only think about how things fluctuate on a daily basis. Roses in the good times that fall with life, blood comes when the bad hits. A lot of bad blood can be traced to differing opinions and conclusions being drawn on the wrong information and evidence. Then you have the bad blood that just develops with no real explanation. Both of these have been prominent in my life, in more ways than I care to count. It is truly an amazing thing that we, as humans, have not wiped each other out yet. The rate of birth still outweighs the rate of death in on this planet, but I would imagine if the radical ends of every spectrum do not moderate soon, those statistics may change. It is a sad thing to see, the opinions of those who feel they are right and everyone else is wrong. Sad people.

One of these days, I'll get back to regular updates about life in general along with new updates on happenings with the book. Till then, adieu.

I really should update more often

I wonder why I even try sometimes. The life of someone who spends his life in an perpetual state of bitterness, I make leaps occasionally to try and find that elusive silver lining that people speak of all the time.

Boy, what a mistake that is.

My last post spoke about how things work out in the tune of people predicting certain events as a result of conversations. I also take a look at how those things affect those around me, as well as myself. As was said before: "Fate is not without a sense of irony." It is fate that drives us, guides us, defines us, binds us. It can argued that along with fate, there is purpose, in that, we are all on the earth for a purpose unbeknownst to ourselves. I believe that this purpose is self-defined, and that you live the life however you feel you should. I choose the bitter one.

Over the last few years, I have said goodbye (in friendly and not-so-friendly terms) to a lot of people I once called friends. Many of these friendships were dissolved over petty differences, or for reasons I have yet, and probably never will, discover an answer to. Most recently, came from the likes of two individuals that were the topic of a post many moons ago that has long since been deleted because it was part of "The Debacle" as I am fond of calling that portion of my life. One of which became my friend due to our common interests, another that became my friend due to the other. Time being what it is, moved itself forward to the present day. A few arguments, shouting matches, and other misc. issues led to the point where I felt like the friendship was splintering. I was correct.

After breaking the ties and moving on, I decided to sweep out the people I deemed as too much poison in my life. To my credit, I got rid of many people who were nothing more than just acquaintances - then it came to these two. People I had trusted and cared about, a lot. Just to be sure, I took a deep moment to reflect upon the decision before nodding as the best one. I was given a scathing message as a result, and it was something along the lines of "die a horrible death and rot in hell". Convenient, since that is where I will probably end up, if such a place exists. Fair enough.

The one friend in this mess was hurt by the decision, but chose not to say anything - instead regulating it to the other, who had one time told me she was not his secretary. It is what it is. Another set of losses on the parts of all involved. A decision I made to send three souls into opposite directions. Not much can be done to fix it, and that is the way the river flows. Ever in motion.

While there are always two sides to the story, I chose to take the way that would lead to the least amount of issue. Calmly turning my back and walking away. I see now that the poison was alive and well, as that venom soon attacked me, with words that they were "expecting" that all to happen.
In my line of work, when you expect something, that means you had already thought about it. So, I should not be surprised that the fangs were lurched my direction. Either way, it is what it is. Like always, despite it all - I still wish them the best. For me to wish ill on anyone is suicide in itself. Karma has a bad habit of making it all come full circle.

I will get back to novel stuff on the next post, which has slowed almost to a halt with life and my new gaming addictions. Not even sure why I keep this thing anymore.

Soul searching with a side of irony

"Fate it would seem, is not without a sense of irony." - Morpheus, The Matrix.

This statement could hold true in so many walks of life, trying to contend with our thoughts, emotions, feelings, and ourselves. When it comes to a point that you can't figure things out, all it takes is one night of soul searching, and speaking with a good friend to figure it out for you. I'm sure there is a proverb somewhere saying that others know you better than you know yourself. I found that out tonight, on a deep level.

I've fought with myself for years trying to figure out what exactly my purpose in this life is. Many a sleepless nights while I wonder about the ins and outs of everything, establishing myself in a solid path that I can walk with confidence. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a religious person. But I am a firm believer in the Tao, and that fate controls our lives. Some people see fate as a diety, I see it as a path, a river if you will. A flowing river, with forks in it that must be decided upon. Whatever path we choose, we have to reap its rewards...and live with its consequences. There are no do-overs, there are no take backs. Causality is what makes our world turn, cause and effect. Choosing a certain path comes with its own risks and rewards. I always choose my path based on which one will lead me to the least consequence. This inadvertently leaves me with the least amount of reward, but I am willing to accept that if it means not dealing with the repercussions of a decision.

Many have said I don't take enough risks in life, and there is a reason for that. Every risk I've ever taken, every time I've gone against the flow of fate, it has come back on me with a heavy hand. Fierce, often crippling reprisals that leave me listless, confused and without a direction in life. As of this moment, I am at that point. Listless, confused and have no clue where in the hell I am going. And no matter how much I tried to make sense of it, to put some measure of purpose in my life, it never worked out. In fact, those attempts blew up in rather spectacular form - to the point I am left with what I am now, searching for my direction in life.

While the future is forever in motion, a three hour conversation tonight has revealed some things about myself that I may not have known, and probably didn't. A few, didn't surprise me too much - the ones I already knew. But given my demeanor, my actions, my speech, my voice, and the way I always offer my assistance to people - my purpose may have been made clear tonight. And oddly enough, it is the same purpose I think I always had. But...in this form, it changes slightly. In that, if and when the time comes - my entire life will change, because of what my future may hold. A lot of these revelations come at a time when I struggle to make sense of many things.

"I have taken my entire life for granted. When the time came, I dropped it all and ran." - Ramza Beoulve, Final Fantasy Tactics.

Tonight's conversation reminded me of this. Evidently - based off what this good friend knows of me, and how my demeanor shows through - he seems to believe there will be a time that I will drop everything except my most personal belongings, and run to somewhere. Where? Who knows. But in a time when my life passes by me with inaction because what my daily schedule holds, this revelation is startling at the least. While it is by no means a fortune tell, it is probably the best damn answer I've gotten about anything in my life.

The irony of it all, is this good friend shares a parallel to my book's main protagonist Travi Gladius, in that they both shared a love with their high school sweethearts, didn't speak to their respective soul mates for ten years, and found one another again and are happily together. The coincidence of this all, is shocking. Fate is not without a sense of irony. That could not apply anymore now than it ever has. I don't think it's coincidence either that I made the final breakthrough on my book tonight, on the night when I potentially made a breakthrough in my own life.

Fate is weird like that. A finicky bitch when it wants to be, but none more strange than when our lives run parallel to the stories told with the black and white of printed words. Like a story, our lives are nothing more than chapters in a book. The characters write our books, just like fate draws us to the people who help shape who we are.

Insert witty title here

After the last post was one of philosophical rants and depression, this one should hopefully be a bit more upbeat - albeit short on the same note.

Chapter 11 is progressing slow, and I mean - OMGWTFBBQ, slow. Even though it is meant to be a change of pace chapter and give the characters a chance to catch their breaths, I will be glad to get it over with. By this point of the book, I seem to have pretty well established the characters in their back stories that need them - so this would be the primer before the story starts toward the conclusion. Alana, Mark, Gabriel, and Travi have all had their input in their respective ways, with Travi probably being the one who closes out the rather short chapter - but I have a few things to flesh out before I get toward the end.

In the second draft, the ending is rather spontaneous - but I think in this edition, I would work toward it a bit more, giving me some excuse to make this chapter somewhat relevant. A few ideas that have come to life over the last couple days while I have been in a NyQuil induced coma combating this cold, have really pushed the envelop in how it will progress. (it involves some shopping, some doubt, and a "big question").

The only other thing tripping me up is the final battle of the book. As it stands, four combatants would take part in it, but it was originally written only for three. The introduction of Alana's character has added some intrigue, but has also its own set of hurdles, in how the final confrontation will proceed. In the second draft, it was a small chase via motorbikes followed by a small series of events that led up to Travi and Bill facing off against Mark. After a small conversation, Bill fires the first shot - followed by Travi, and they both gun the brother down. In this one, Alana's character adds another dimension to the encounter, but I still wish for Bill to be present as I feel that is his crowning moment of awesome in the book. But I will see how it plays out - as the encounter is completely different this time around, and has several different ways for it to play out and end.

May be an instance where I just let the characters tell me what they want to do. All four are screaming at me for ideas, which is a good thing (or bad, depending on how you view voices in your head). Once I clear these hurdles, I think I would be in good shape for what the finished product would look like. At this point, I am happy with the role that Alana has come into, as the "end-game" character whose back story is established rather quickly. While I may consider including her at some key moments in the earlier chapters, she had found her way into the book in a good way - showing herself a loving sister and fierce protector. Travi is a very lucky man, a sister in Alana, and significant other in Allison. Both of whom would give their lives for him if it came to it.

Such love can only exist in fiction, no?

It sure as hell seems that way in today's world.

Adieu.