Living a bitter existence

We all have our moments of doubt and pain in life, and usually we find a way to push through it and move on. But what if it feels like your entire existence is nothing but a life of bitterness and jaded thought?

I live such a life and for pretty good reason all things considering. I don't blame others for my downfalls, nor my current situation, nor anything that has happened over the 26 years of my life. I am the type of person that everyone doesn't like to be around, the negative thinking, bitter individual that only looks at what can go wrong and why.

Many people call this outlook pessimism. I call it realism. Life is brutal, unfair and fate along with karma completely undue whatever myriad of good works and feelings you have on a daily basis. I blame no one but myself for all of this, but I also have to look at what put me in the situation. Lack of faith? No. I had plenty of it for years before I gave it up. Everyone says that if I think positive, it will be positive. I hate to say this, but I have tried that as well and it never works.
I consider myself a jinx with a jaded life. Every time I do or receive something positive, they never snowball for more positive to help me get myself in a good mindset. That positive I receive is often given at a heavy cost, or is immediately followed by a strong, usually equal or greater, negative. Anything from being able to get healthy, only to injure something - to filing bankruptcy as I currently am, and finding out I may smacked with a presumption of fraud due to the new laws enacted back in 2005 concerning the bankruptcy code.

I'm not sure why I even try anymore. Perhaps for my friends and family? But anymore, that's all I have. People say that's all you need, and that may be true. But let's face it, living a jaded life where you expect nothing to go right (rarely does anyhow), everything to go wrong, and never being able to appreciate any positives because they are immediately followed with stress, is just how I am.
I tried changing it, but I can't. I cannot change who I am because it is who I choose to be.

This is yet another reason why I write. An escape where I can give my characters a positive that is not followed by a negative. A life where they are not always thinking of the worst.

A life...where true happiness can be attained.

Into the new ages

First off, congratulations to my friends Ashley and John for their commitment to one another and here is to many years of them avoiding the urge to kill each other.
Good luck to both of you :)

But I guess since we're on that topic, it is one that I'll touch on because of carries some significance in my life. No, I'm not married (don't plan to be, and will make attempts to make sure I don't), but it hails to an important plot point within my writings, especially my novel. And it is often said that a writer bases a lot of the characters, events and such on actual events in their life. More so on the characters and the context in which they are presented.

As many know that have followed my ideas and writing through the months (years?), the main character and his childhood sweetheart wind up reunited through the course of the first few chapters of the novel and their relationship quickly is rekindled after figuring out the pair of then both sought to keep their promise to one another. But I noticed that most all of my writings have some measure of romance in them, and this even extends toward some other aspects of my life.

Going back to the original point, some say that writing is a way to build the world in which you would want to live in. So therefore, is my subconscious really telling me that my life would be better as a married/commitment man? Even though my thoughts and wishes say otherwise, it is strange how your heart and soul will come forward with such emotions in the form of writing.
Perhaps I am merely following the character's heart? They say that the characters will tell you what they want to do, and you should listen. So, it is entirely possible that I am letting my main character live my ideal life for me. If that is the case, then I can be truly happy. At least someone/thing is.

Look back at the myriad of works over the years and all of them contain some measure of romance for the main character. Infinitey in my Matrix Online fic, Allison in my novel, Nicole in another short story I wrote. All of them had fallen in love with their respective main characters, and they all wind up with the ideal wish for a wonderful life together.
So, perhaps it does come down to my characters living a wonderful life for me. If that is the case, then Travi Gladius truly has the flawless diamond of unmatched perfection in Allison Kadmus. It causes him to find a new meaning for his life and shows how much he grows over the course of the book.

The pair of which had their love begin as kids. Only to culminate to them both saying "I do" at the altar. Ten years of waiting, and they did so for a reason. A story that only a bard could spin, but one that makes for a feel good sideliner in the otherwise dark-ish tellling of Project: Alpha.

Adieu.

The friendzone

I'm sure a lot of guys (gals too) are familiar with this phrase. The friendzone, that lovely little area in life where most all good people searching for meaningful relationships wind up. It is the place that when places there, you are no longer an option as far as relationships go (other than friends). You are not even eligible for benefits in the position, you are just a friend and probably a damn good one too.

It is no secret anymore that the norm for society is that the nice people finish last. For the purposes of this post, I'll refer to guys. Think about how many times you have been denied the love of someone you really love. Think of how many times you have told her your feelings, only to have her say she is not good enough for you, or you can find someone better or, my personal favorite: "I just don't see you that way." There are of course others, the infamous speech of how she is not ready to commit to a relationship, then dates someone literally days later. All good ones, but they all lead you to the same place: The Friendzone.

An area where even when you try to do the greatest, in feminine terms "sweetest" thing for a lady friend, they enjoy it and then talk about what a great guy you are and how she'd like to find a boyfriend just like you. That's another good one: "I hope I can find a boyfriend just like you!" instead of: "Wow, is this really happening?"

Ladies, when we do something like listen to you on the phone for hours at a time, normally complaining about something, its because we care about you. When we find out something awful happened and we take time out of our days to come over and talk to you, its because we care about you. When we show up with flowers,  its not because we just felt the need to spend money, its because we care about you and more than likely, are trying to convey a message to you. That message is, we're interested.

But instead, the usual response is: "Oh, you are so sweet! Thank you! You're the best friend ever." And while we'll smile and nod, and say no problem, on the inside, you just crushed us. But we'll put a good face on, just because we care about you and its not in our blood to get mad and berate or insult you like some asshats are prone too. We have class about us and know that treating a woman like dirt is wrong in any form. Respect, courtesy, and kindness - are they really that alien?

One counterargument I get is that if women tried to date their good guy friends, they run the risk of messing the friendship up. While this is plausible, it is simply a cop-out. You already know you can trust this guy, and have turned to him for everything except what comes with a relationship, that argument is invalid and irrelevant, its trite and overused. More than likely, you all are best friends because you share some form of common interests, probably trust each other a lot, and know enough about them to see that they will not change.
By not dating the good guy friends, you run the risk of losing them entirely.

I know this doesn't happen on just our side of the equation, but I have seen it more with guys being put into that dreaded zone than gals. And when us guys go there, we do it because we are hoping that eventually you will see, the reason we got involved with you in the first place is because we were interested in you. It doesn't have to be about sex, and rarely, it is. The good guys want a meaningful, deep connected relationship as much as women do, whether they will admit it or not.

So ladies, next time you complain to your good guy friend about the asshole you're dating, just remember that the answer to all your problems may be sitting right in front of you. And whenever you ask where all the good guy are...

They're in the friendzone, right where you left them.