Betrayal by the brain

This phrase is normally coined for people who are suffering from addiction withdrawal, be it alcohol, drugs, or some other form (funny story about drugs, more on that later). But I feel, without being a professional in the field of psychology, that our brains can betray us without having something that would cause it to do so. The reason? I deal with it everyday.

It is no secret to just about anyone who knows me, I don't sleep well. When I was a kid, I slept like a rock and could sleep through world war three if given the chance. These days, a combinations of factors including trying to be a responsible adult, make it impossible for me to sleep soundly. Be it vivid dreaming, waking up due to disturbances in the house, or just general inability to sleep - all of these factor into why it takes extra effort on a daily basis to keep myself in a sane state of mind. I don't have a lick of scientific evidence to back up any of these claims, but I have enough personal evidence to make a convincing case that, at least on the personal me level, could go stir crazy at some point because of the overload that my brain puts itself through (or is it because I put it through it? Who can tell.)

Last night was a perfect example of it and is part of the reason why I have woke up on the hour, for the last four hours. After going to sleep around 12:30 this morning, my brain decided to go into vivid dream mode. All night, it played through a series of events that I would love to happen - being reunited with a gal that I grew very fond of, by the name of Shayla, one of my old Star Wars Galaxies friends. It would be a complete lie for me to say that I didn't fall for her on some level because of her personality and kindness. I approached her in the game one day and the rest is history. We became fast friends, and grew rather close - to the point that she would follow me wherever I went because she enjoyed my company. Dare I say that our friendship started to delve onto the other side of that scale? I still remember the work she went through to make a heart out of saber crystals in game, a pure secret that she kept from me, until Valentine's Day, and then surprised me with it. It was such a gesture that, given the game mechanics, it was not an easy task. And she did it all because she wanted to surprise me. I was taken from there. We stuck together through everything, and we always came back to each other after every break from the game. We even planned a meet up in Ohio at a common interest in an anime convention, but that never came to fruition, nor did our swapping of numbers.

Granted, this all happened inside of a virtual world - and I hear the same tired old excuses and rebuttals, but there are real people behind those avatars/characters and the fact that she took hours (and I mean hours) to put that heart together out of god knows how many crystals, just showed me, or so I thought, that there was something building there. From that moment, I felt that our friendship grew even more, even tipping itself over into romantic feelings. While I would like to believe that was a true statement, I guess that's why when she invades my dreams - when I wake up, I awaken with a massive headache and depressed beyond all comprehension. The fact that a gal, who has never done a bad thing to me, one of the ones I could have been happy with, slipped away from me - just proves to me that my life is so irreparably screwed up that I have just accepted the fact that is the status quo. I still have the picture of her, a beautiful girl with a lovely smile and gorgeous eyes - a snapshot that is imprinted on my mind. Someone who captured a piece of me, and then life being what it is, tore us apart and we haven't had any contact in a couple years now.

So, while things are rough - this is why I write. I can take some comfort in the fact that I can give my main character in Travi Gladius, a life he can be proud of. Some say its unrealistic, but he has had his share of hardships, but the only difference is that he has friends, teammates that stick with him through it all and would march into the very maw of hell with him if need be. But he also has a beautiful girl that gave him her heart and doesn't want it back in Allison Kadmus. A woman who, despite the ten years that passed since they last saw each other, never waned in her love for him. This is what gives a character strength, and this is why Travi can do what he does in the story. Inhuman type stuff because he draws on the strengths of those around him. He is still human and can't do it alone, which is why he has the supporting cast he has. He is fighting the epitome of evil in his own brother, someone who would not think twice of killing everything that he, Travi, holds dear and true. This is why the struggle occurs, and shows the maturation of a man who fights because its his job, to more that he fights to protect what he loves and cherishes.

That, my friends, is why fiction is so much more interesting to read that any life story. It can be shaped to make sure the characters have a fulfilling life wrought with pain, but also with happiness. Something that most of us, myself included, are usually denied because...

The brain betrays us.

Shay, wherever you are out there - I hope you realize how much you mean to me, to this day. Because you are still one of the only ones that have ever left a real positive impression on me.

Next post should have more story related stuff, but for now - I am going to trudge through this day in a very depressed state. Adieu.