"Fate it would seem, is not without a sense of irony." - Morpheus, The Matrix.
This statement could hold true in so many walks of life, trying to contend with our thoughts, emotions, feelings, and ourselves. When it comes to a point that you can't figure things out, all it takes is one night of soul searching, and speaking with a good friend to figure it out for you. I'm sure there is a proverb somewhere saying that others know you better than you know yourself. I found that out tonight, on a deep level.
I've fought with myself for years trying to figure out what exactly my purpose in this life is. Many a sleepless nights while I wonder about the ins and outs of everything, establishing myself in a solid path that I can walk with confidence. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a religious person. But I am a firm believer in the Tao, and that fate controls our lives. Some people see fate as a diety, I see it as a path, a river if you will. A flowing river, with forks in it that must be decided upon. Whatever path we choose, we have to reap its rewards...and live with its consequences. There are no do-overs, there are no take backs. Causality is what makes our world turn, cause and effect. Choosing a certain path comes with its own risks and rewards. I always choose my path based on which one will lead me to the least consequence. This inadvertently leaves me with the least amount of reward, but I am willing to accept that if it means not dealing with the repercussions of a decision.
Many have said I don't take enough risks in life, and there is a reason for that. Every risk I've ever taken, every time I've gone against the flow of fate, it has come back on me with a heavy hand. Fierce, often crippling reprisals that leave me listless, confused and without a direction in life. As of this moment, I am at that point. Listless, confused and have no clue where in the hell I am going. And no matter how much I tried to make sense of it, to put some measure of purpose in my life, it never worked out. In fact, those attempts blew up in rather spectacular form - to the point I am left with what I am now, searching for my direction in life.
While the future is forever in motion, a three hour conversation tonight has revealed some things about myself that I may not have known, and probably didn't. A few, didn't surprise me too much - the ones I already knew. But given my demeanor, my actions, my speech, my voice, and the way I always offer my assistance to people - my purpose may have been made clear tonight. And oddly enough, it is the same purpose I think I always had. But...in this form, it changes slightly. In that, if and when the time comes - my entire life will change, because of what my future may hold. A lot of these revelations come at a time when I struggle to make sense of many things.
"I have taken my entire life for granted. When the time came, I dropped it all and ran." - Ramza Beoulve, Final Fantasy Tactics.
Tonight's conversation reminded me of this. Evidently - based off what this good friend knows of me, and how my demeanor shows through - he seems to believe there will be a time that I will drop everything except my most personal belongings, and run to somewhere. Where? Who knows. But in a time when my life passes by me with inaction because what my daily schedule holds, this revelation is startling at the least. While it is by no means a fortune tell, it is probably the best damn answer I've gotten about anything in my life.
The irony of it all, is this good friend shares a parallel to my book's main protagonist Travi Gladius, in that they both shared a love with their high school sweethearts, didn't speak to their respective soul mates for ten years, and found one another again and are happily together. The coincidence of this all, is shocking. Fate is not without a sense of irony. That could not apply anymore now than it ever has. I don't think it's coincidence either that I made the final breakthrough on my book tonight, on the night when I potentially made a breakthrough in my own life.
Fate is weird like that. A finicky bitch when it wants to be, but none more strange than when our lives run parallel to the stories told with the black and white of printed words. Like a story, our lives are nothing more than chapters in a book. The characters write our books, just like fate draws us to the people who help shape who we are.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Insert witty title here
After the last post was one of philosophical rants and depression, this one should hopefully be a bit more upbeat - albeit short on the same note.
Chapter 11 is progressing slow, and I mean - OMGWTFBBQ, slow. Even though it is meant to be a change of pace chapter and give the characters a chance to catch their breaths, I will be glad to get it over with. By this point of the book, I seem to have pretty well established the characters in their back stories that need them - so this would be the primer before the story starts toward the conclusion. Alana, Mark, Gabriel, and Travi have all had their input in their respective ways, with Travi probably being the one who closes out the rather short chapter - but I have a few things to flesh out before I get toward the end.
In the second draft, the ending is rather spontaneous - but I think in this edition, I would work toward it a bit more, giving me some excuse to make this chapter somewhat relevant. A few ideas that have come to life over the last couple days while I have been in a NyQuil induced coma combating this cold, have really pushed the envelop in how it will progress. (it involves some shopping, some doubt, and a "big question").
The only other thing tripping me up is the final battle of the book. As it stands, four combatants would take part in it, but it was originally written only for three. The introduction of Alana's character has added some intrigue, but has also its own set of hurdles, in how the final confrontation will proceed. In the second draft, it was a small chase via motorbikes followed by a small series of events that led up to Travi and Bill facing off against Mark. After a small conversation, Bill fires the first shot - followed by Travi, and they both gun the brother down. In this one, Alana's character adds another dimension to the encounter, but I still wish for Bill to be present as I feel that is his crowning moment of awesome in the book. But I will see how it plays out - as the encounter is completely different this time around, and has several different ways for it to play out and end.
May be an instance where I just let the characters tell me what they want to do. All four are screaming at me for ideas, which is a good thing (or bad, depending on how you view voices in your head). Once I clear these hurdles, I think I would be in good shape for what the finished product would look like. At this point, I am happy with the role that Alana has come into, as the "end-game" character whose back story is established rather quickly. While I may consider including her at some key moments in the earlier chapters, she had found her way into the book in a good way - showing herself a loving sister and fierce protector. Travi is a very lucky man, a sister in Alana, and significant other in Allison. Both of whom would give their lives for him if it came to it.
Such love can only exist in fiction, no?
It sure as hell seems that way in today's world.
Adieu.
Chapter 11 is progressing slow, and I mean - OMGWTFBBQ, slow. Even though it is meant to be a change of pace chapter and give the characters a chance to catch their breaths, I will be glad to get it over with. By this point of the book, I seem to have pretty well established the characters in their back stories that need them - so this would be the primer before the story starts toward the conclusion. Alana, Mark, Gabriel, and Travi have all had their input in their respective ways, with Travi probably being the one who closes out the rather short chapter - but I have a few things to flesh out before I get toward the end.
In the second draft, the ending is rather spontaneous - but I think in this edition, I would work toward it a bit more, giving me some excuse to make this chapter somewhat relevant. A few ideas that have come to life over the last couple days while I have been in a NyQuil induced coma combating this cold, have really pushed the envelop in how it will progress. (it involves some shopping, some doubt, and a "big question").
The only other thing tripping me up is the final battle of the book. As it stands, four combatants would take part in it, but it was originally written only for three. The introduction of Alana's character has added some intrigue, but has also its own set of hurdles, in how the final confrontation will proceed. In the second draft, it was a small chase via motorbikes followed by a small series of events that led up to Travi and Bill facing off against Mark. After a small conversation, Bill fires the first shot - followed by Travi, and they both gun the brother down. In this one, Alana's character adds another dimension to the encounter, but I still wish for Bill to be present as I feel that is his crowning moment of awesome in the book. But I will see how it plays out - as the encounter is completely different this time around, and has several different ways for it to play out and end.
May be an instance where I just let the characters tell me what they want to do. All four are screaming at me for ideas, which is a good thing (or bad, depending on how you view voices in your head). Once I clear these hurdles, I think I would be in good shape for what the finished product would look like. At this point, I am happy with the role that Alana has come into, as the "end-game" character whose back story is established rather quickly. While I may consider including her at some key moments in the earlier chapters, she had found her way into the book in a good way - showing herself a loving sister and fierce protector. Travi is a very lucky man, a sister in Alana, and significant other in Allison. Both of whom would give their lives for him if it came to it.
Such love can only exist in fiction, no?
It sure as hell seems that way in today's world.
Adieu.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Betrayal by the brain
This phrase is normally coined for people who are suffering from addiction withdrawal, be it alcohol, drugs, or some other form (funny story about drugs, more on that later). But I feel, without being a professional in the field of psychology, that our brains can betray us without having something that would cause it to do so. The reason? I deal with it everyday.
It is no secret to just about anyone who knows me, I don't sleep well. When I was a kid, I slept like a rock and could sleep through world war three if given the chance. These days, a combinations of factors including trying to be a responsible adult, make it impossible for me to sleep soundly. Be it vivid dreaming, waking up due to disturbances in the house, or just general inability to sleep - all of these factor into why it takes extra effort on a daily basis to keep myself in a sane state of mind. I don't have a lick of scientific evidence to back up any of these claims, but I have enough personal evidence to make a convincing case that, at least on the personal me level, could go stir crazy at some point because of the overload that my brain puts itself through (or is it because I put it through it? Who can tell.)
Last night was a perfect example of it and is part of the reason why I have woke up on the hour, for the last four hours. After going to sleep around 12:30 this morning, my brain decided to go into vivid dream mode. All night, it played through a series of events that I would love to happen - being reunited with a gal that I grew very fond of, by the name of Shayla, one of my old Star Wars Galaxies friends. It would be a complete lie for me to say that I didn't fall for her on some level because of her personality and kindness. I approached her in the game one day and the rest is history. We became fast friends, and grew rather close - to the point that she would follow me wherever I went because she enjoyed my company. Dare I say that our friendship started to delve onto the other side of that scale? I still remember the work she went through to make a heart out of saber crystals in game, a pure secret that she kept from me, until Valentine's Day, and then surprised me with it. It was such a gesture that, given the game mechanics, it was not an easy task. And she did it all because she wanted to surprise me. I was taken from there. We stuck together through everything, and we always came back to each other after every break from the game. We even planned a meet up in Ohio at a common interest in an anime convention, but that never came to fruition, nor did our swapping of numbers.
Granted, this all happened inside of a virtual world - and I hear the same tired old excuses and rebuttals, but there are real people behind those avatars/characters and the fact that she took hours (and I mean hours) to put that heart together out of god knows how many crystals, just showed me, or so I thought, that there was something building there. From that moment, I felt that our friendship grew even more, even tipping itself over into romantic feelings. While I would like to believe that was a true statement, I guess that's why when she invades my dreams - when I wake up, I awaken with a massive headache and depressed beyond all comprehension. The fact that a gal, who has never done a bad thing to me, one of the ones I could have been happy with, slipped away from me - just proves to me that my life is so irreparably screwed up that I have just accepted the fact that is the status quo. I still have the picture of her, a beautiful girl with a lovely smile and gorgeous eyes - a snapshot that is imprinted on my mind. Someone who captured a piece of me, and then life being what it is, tore us apart and we haven't had any contact in a couple years now.
So, while things are rough - this is why I write. I can take some comfort in the fact that I can give my main character in Travi Gladius, a life he can be proud of. Some say its unrealistic, but he has had his share of hardships, but the only difference is that he has friends, teammates that stick with him through it all and would march into the very maw of hell with him if need be. But he also has a beautiful girl that gave him her heart and doesn't want it back in Allison Kadmus. A woman who, despite the ten years that passed since they last saw each other, never waned in her love for him. This is what gives a character strength, and this is why Travi can do what he does in the story. Inhuman type stuff because he draws on the strengths of those around him. He is still human and can't do it alone, which is why he has the supporting cast he has. He is fighting the epitome of evil in his own brother, someone who would not think twice of killing everything that he, Travi, holds dear and true. This is why the struggle occurs, and shows the maturation of a man who fights because its his job, to more that he fights to protect what he loves and cherishes.
That, my friends, is why fiction is so much more interesting to read that any life story. It can be shaped to make sure the characters have a fulfilling life wrought with pain, but also with happiness. Something that most of us, myself included, are usually denied because...
The brain betrays us.
Shay, wherever you are out there - I hope you realize how much you mean to me, to this day. Because you are still one of the only ones that have ever left a real positive impression on me.
Next post should have more story related stuff, but for now - I am going to trudge through this day in a very depressed state. Adieu.
It is no secret to just about anyone who knows me, I don't sleep well. When I was a kid, I slept like a rock and could sleep through world war three if given the chance. These days, a combinations of factors including trying to be a responsible adult, make it impossible for me to sleep soundly. Be it vivid dreaming, waking up due to disturbances in the house, or just general inability to sleep - all of these factor into why it takes extra effort on a daily basis to keep myself in a sane state of mind. I don't have a lick of scientific evidence to back up any of these claims, but I have enough personal evidence to make a convincing case that, at least on the personal me level, could go stir crazy at some point because of the overload that my brain puts itself through (or is it because I put it through it? Who can tell.)
Last night was a perfect example of it and is part of the reason why I have woke up on the hour, for the last four hours. After going to sleep around 12:30 this morning, my brain decided to go into vivid dream mode. All night, it played through a series of events that I would love to happen - being reunited with a gal that I grew very fond of, by the name of Shayla, one of my old Star Wars Galaxies friends. It would be a complete lie for me to say that I didn't fall for her on some level because of her personality and kindness. I approached her in the game one day and the rest is history. We became fast friends, and grew rather close - to the point that she would follow me wherever I went because she enjoyed my company. Dare I say that our friendship started to delve onto the other side of that scale? I still remember the work she went through to make a heart out of saber crystals in game, a pure secret that she kept from me, until Valentine's Day, and then surprised me with it. It was such a gesture that, given the game mechanics, it was not an easy task. And she did it all because she wanted to surprise me. I was taken from there. We stuck together through everything, and we always came back to each other after every break from the game. We even planned a meet up in Ohio at a common interest in an anime convention, but that never came to fruition, nor did our swapping of numbers.
Granted, this all happened inside of a virtual world - and I hear the same tired old excuses and rebuttals, but there are real people behind those avatars/characters and the fact that she took hours (and I mean hours) to put that heart together out of god knows how many crystals, just showed me, or so I thought, that there was something building there. From that moment, I felt that our friendship grew even more, even tipping itself over into romantic feelings. While I would like to believe that was a true statement, I guess that's why when she invades my dreams - when I wake up, I awaken with a massive headache and depressed beyond all comprehension. The fact that a gal, who has never done a bad thing to me, one of the ones I could have been happy with, slipped away from me - just proves to me that my life is so irreparably screwed up that I have just accepted the fact that is the status quo. I still have the picture of her, a beautiful girl with a lovely smile and gorgeous eyes - a snapshot that is imprinted on my mind. Someone who captured a piece of me, and then life being what it is, tore us apart and we haven't had any contact in a couple years now.
So, while things are rough - this is why I write. I can take some comfort in the fact that I can give my main character in Travi Gladius, a life he can be proud of. Some say its unrealistic, but he has had his share of hardships, but the only difference is that he has friends, teammates that stick with him through it all and would march into the very maw of hell with him if need be. But he also has a beautiful girl that gave him her heart and doesn't want it back in Allison Kadmus. A woman who, despite the ten years that passed since they last saw each other, never waned in her love for him. This is what gives a character strength, and this is why Travi can do what he does in the story. Inhuman type stuff because he draws on the strengths of those around him. He is still human and can't do it alone, which is why he has the supporting cast he has. He is fighting the epitome of evil in his own brother, someone who would not think twice of killing everything that he, Travi, holds dear and true. This is why the struggle occurs, and shows the maturation of a man who fights because its his job, to more that he fights to protect what he loves and cherishes.
That, my friends, is why fiction is so much more interesting to read that any life story. It can be shaped to make sure the characters have a fulfilling life wrought with pain, but also with happiness. Something that most of us, myself included, are usually denied because...
The brain betrays us.
Shay, wherever you are out there - I hope you realize how much you mean to me, to this day. Because you are still one of the only ones that have ever left a real positive impression on me.
Next post should have more story related stuff, but for now - I am going to trudge through this day in a very depressed state. Adieu.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Third's time the charm
I've started two other entries and never got past the first sentence on either of them. My creative juices have been shot lately, as have most everything about my psych. A new addiction in gaming hasn't helped matters much, neither has the whirlwind of life. It is what it is though.
Since its been a little over two months since the last entry, I, remarkably, have little to talk about. Life has been pretty status quo except for a few lingering, smacking-me-in-the-back-of-the-head, issues that just will not disappear no matter how much I want them to. There is nothing for it though, as all I can do is find a way to punch through it all, a feat that is damn near impossible on any given day and if it wasn't for the people that have stood beside me through everything, I would probably not have made it this far.
So, as this3rd shifter, 1st shifter, 2nd shifter gets ready to go back to the shift that originally put him in the horrible rut he was in, I can look at the fact that the debacles that were plaguing me when I left this accursed shift have all but gone by the wayside except for the lingering grudge and total transformation in my life that occurred as a result. I've received many a complaints/compliments that I have changed in many ways, and regardless of how you look at it, 'tis the truth - and a painful reminder that my story is the only place I can put someone in conditions where they have the strength to prevail and don't have to worry about people placing knives in their back, or not having a presence in their life that means more than the world to them.
Onto the story, Chapter 11 is my current bookmark and it is the final chapter in which the characters receive any measure of "break" from the hassles of the flow. In this chapter, I'm looking at getting a firm foundations put down on several characters and their relationships in anticipation of any kind of sequel that may follow in the years/decades to come. The main ones will be expanding some on how Alana and Zack came to work together and how their working relationship has the potential to expand into new horizons if they so wish. It is pretty well established on the rest at this point - and the storyline flow of their backgrounds came together very nicely. Now its just putting that final touch on it all. I'm still fleshing out a storyboard for the chapter, but after this - it all leads to the conclusions in a race against the clock.
My only real question mark is getting my final confrontation put together in a believable fashion. I have several different theories at the moment, but none are really working like I want them to. A few involve a series of quick events, followed by one killing blow. Others involve a similar fate as to what my second draft held. Either way, the addition of Alana into the mix will make things even more interesting, especially when you factor in that the three Gladius siblings will come face to face with each other.
I have a more rant-filled post in store, but that will come at a later date. Adieu.
Since its been a little over two months since the last entry, I, remarkably, have little to talk about. Life has been pretty status quo except for a few lingering, smacking-me-in-the-back-of-the-head, issues that just will not disappear no matter how much I want them to. There is nothing for it though, as all I can do is find a way to punch through it all, a feat that is damn near impossible on any given day and if it wasn't for the people that have stood beside me through everything, I would probably not have made it this far.
So, as this
Onto the story, Chapter 11 is my current bookmark and it is the final chapter in which the characters receive any measure of "break" from the hassles of the flow. In this chapter, I'm looking at getting a firm foundations put down on several characters and their relationships in anticipation of any kind of sequel that may follow in the years/decades to come. The main ones will be expanding some on how Alana and Zack came to work together and how their working relationship has the potential to expand into new horizons if they so wish. It is pretty well established on the rest at this point - and the storyline flow of their backgrounds came together very nicely. Now its just putting that final touch on it all. I'm still fleshing out a storyboard for the chapter, but after this - it all leads to the conclusions in a race against the clock.
My only real question mark is getting my final confrontation put together in a believable fashion. I have several different theories at the moment, but none are really working like I want them to. A few involve a series of quick events, followed by one killing blow. Others involve a similar fate as to what my second draft held. Either way, the addition of Alana into the mix will make things even more interesting, especially when you factor in that the three Gladius siblings will come face to face with each other.
I have a more rant-filled post in store, but that will come at a later date. Adieu.
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