When depression and doubt strike

There comes a point in time when you just completely lose every edge you ever had. The things that gave you life suddenly don't exist anymore, and basically you are looking for that swift kick in the ass to get yourself going today. After tackling illness all week, I was ready to hit the gym today and get back into my routine. Alas, the simplest of things - the fact that my workout gloves have gone missing, was enough to piss me off this morning and I just decided to wait. Since the next two days are hectic with work anyhow, I may as well just hold off for the time being and go Saturday evening after work. Those damn workout gloves have either grown legs and walked off, or someone has pilfered them for some unknown reason. Things like that just completely bring me to frustration when it seems like I can't catch a break in life here lately. Between depression and dealing with a lot of crippling doubt - you just start to really give up on a lot of things as bad as you don't want to. This is the life of someone who has never asked for much of anything except a select few, and life decides he is not worthy of them. I try to push myself to do better and it always ends up being something that dies a horrible death shortly thereafter, or in the case of the last few weeks - I missed a lot of gym time due to being depressed, sick, or both. And due to that, it has cast more depression on me as I feel like I lost a lot of my work in there. It's a vicious, never ending cycle. You try to make everyday as wonderful as possible, but it soon because evident that is something of a folly.


So, how do you combat this? Many of my friends have suggested biting the bullet and doing therapy. Only problem is, I refuse to do this. Which means I refuse to get better right? And do I have a reason for this? No, I really don't. I don't even have an excuse for it. For some reason, maybe the thought of actually being happy with my life is a scary thought. But that couldn't be true, because for seven months I had a lot of happiness in my life and that happiness has been gone for just about as long now. Medicine? Just as bad if I want to completely kill every emotion I have. It's a no win situation because right now, it's tough to really make any sort of changes in life when there is no real reason to do so. People say do it for yourself, but to me - fixing me has nothing to do with what I consider my goals in life - which is helping to fix others. Maybe it's backwards with me (as just about every other god damn thing has been), and I should just go ahead and do the selfish thing. However, my DNA doesn't allow that. Those lovely strands that are helixed together inside of me, doesn't allow these things to happen because they know its not in my genetic makeup.

My DNA focuses on others, how I can help them, how I can make the world a better place...or at the very worst, how bad I really hate (yes, hate) someone or something. People say that hate isn't possible, but I can assure you it is. There are three people in this world right now that I wouldn't care if they died tomorrow, and one of them I would throw gasoline on if they are on fire, then probably laugh maniacally about it. Maybe this is karma's way of biting me in the ass for it all? I just don't see the point in changing my attitude when the rest of the world refuses to change. Infact, I don't even think I should have to apologize for who I have become - because this world never apologized for making me that way. Anyone who knew me 20-25 years ago would not recognize the shell of the person I have become. I used to be a cheerful, energetic, positive outlook on everything type of kid (even if I did spend the majority of my time in the hospital). It wasn't until about middle school that I began to see the world wasn't what it was cut out to be. High school was worse, and into adulthood - things just continue to spiral out of control. There is a way of knowing there is no higher power in this dimension by the amount of humans that turned out to be the absolute scum of the earth, including the one I would throw gasoline on were he on fire. The idea of watching him burn brings a smile to my face, one that shouldn't be there - but it ultimately is. Again, these are all things that come with the mind that currently controls me. One that deals with this crap day in and day out and can't catch a break.

When you add in having to watch the woman you love walk away from you and try to set her own life straight, leaving you standing there alone and wondering what went wrong - it just all comes to me like a freight train. What confidence I had regained during that time was shot once more as I felt my heart ripped out of me, thrown on the ground and smashed under the heel of a boot. I sit there gripping that wound and shaking my head as all I can do is watch as she walks away. The psych can only take so much of it that you are just left with a shell of a man who does his best to move forward and cannot because society will not let him. I can get past the gym absence due to my work schedule for a time, but everything just adds up on me in an overwhelming fashion and each time - it taxes my mental and emotional willpower to the breaking point. I've had several mental breakdowns the last couple months, and many more to come I'm sure as I process a lot of things. The people who want my company for the most part are only wanting it because I can help them in some form, and that help is never reciprocated. It's always a lie, and it's not worth the time and effort to go through the motions because my DNA dictates it. I'm ready to just go full dickhead mode and turn loose. After a while, that pain all comes full bore, and when it does - my brain overloads and has to shut down for a few days. After this "reset" as I call it, I'm fine for a spell as the stress rebuilds over time. I'm just left with no options, and am running out of ideas and excuses to make myself feel better. My writing has come to a halt again, and will be on indefinite hiatus for a while until I get my mojo back, which may be tomorrow, or it may be ten years from now.

For now though, I'm just left wondering how I'm going to do this, and what means I need to find in order to do so. There are so many things I need to locate in my life, but none of them coming to me. Like some sick sort of joke where someone who does his best with what he has, and all he gets in return is the short of the end of the stick. Some have gone as far as to say this is my punishment for becoming an atheist. If that is the case, then I will never return. A god so vengeful he has to make someone's life a living hell because said person turned his back on said god? Fuck him. That same god, if he has a problem with it, can visit me personally. I would LOVE to have a chat with him. I never asked for much in this world, just what a normal person should be allowed to have - life, love, and happiness. I struggle to find all three in the mess that is my existence right now. Like I said, I can look past the fact I didn't make it to the gym today due to the my workout gloves going the way of the Houdini. And plus with my work schedule the next couple days, it's probably best if I conserve my energy. But I will get back on my schedule - it's just finding that willpower to make it fun again instead of routine, and I think that is what has happened. This entire situation is just completely screwed up, and I'm just really at a loss on what to do next. I have to find what makes me tick in this world and get in back inside of me soon. Be whatever it is: confidence, love, or both. I have neither, and that is the most crippling thing of all.

In the end, I won't raise the white flag

There comes a point in time when we long for the things that brought us some measure of joy from times past. Be they whatever they are, from the time you didn't worry about life, to the time you have the love of someone that truly brought you happiness.

For me, it's the embrace. The loving embrace that brought me comfort on many occasions when I needed it. The voice telling me they loved me, they cared for me. The last words written on a piece of paper that lay on my desk: "to you, my darling angel, my life do I pledge. For now, and ever."

As probably guessed, this is another entry of just venting and clearing my head. Writing has commenced and I'm about seven pages in now. Had some issues with the initial opening paragraphs and thoughts, but after a small brainstorming session at work, I think I have it figured out and can proceed as planned this weekend during the long three days off. But for now, until my head is sufficiently cleared - not much writing will be going on, as the things that weigh my mind are heavy and the heart feels the effects of carrying so much burden.

For a time period of a little over seven months, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys on the face of the planet. Due to a set of circumstances from a pair of now former friends, I was able to lay my eyes upon a gal who immediately took my interest. A beautiful woman, someone whom I was told was a great person and I needed to meet her. I did, and it was something that I do not regret. When I locked eyes on her, it was an electric moment - an immediate connection. It didn't take long before we had the first date, a very enjoyable and long night of talking, laughing, and enjoying the company of each other. After that, I took the leap and asked her if she wanted to date. She said yes, and thus began my journey to happiness. It had many ups and many downs, but I did my best to help her through everything. The poems I wrote, the hugs we had, the kisses our lips shared, all of it things that to this day, I miss. If I had one wish in the world, it would be to have all of that back. Alas, genies do not exist and I can only look forward to what the future holds. It's been four months since we parted our ways, and I still wonder what would have been. I still miss her - her beautiful eyes, the lovely smile, the heart of an angel, and the love of a woman who cared. And despite the fact that I seem to be holding onto fleeting dreams, I am still in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I can wake up and see it was all just an illusion and I'm still in February, waking up on the 28th, texting her "Good morning my darling, I hope you have a lovely day. Call you later, I love you."

Story of my life. 

So how does one cope with the loss on this magnitude? It's a question I've yet to answer in my quest to do so. For a little while, I turned to heavy drinking and even decided to start smoking. As someone who has enough lung problems for three people - the worst thing I could ever think about doing is lighting up any sort of tobacco. Neither trend lasted long, so now I've turned to the gym - which I've been at for two months now. The results have been favorable, with my losing weight, toning up, and looking better physically - yet in the end, I've been looking worse on the mental and emotional front. Despite the workaholic attitude lately, working out, and trying to sleep - there is still a part of me that is sorely neglected: the heart that is struggling to mend itself. I'm hoping that my results with working out will eventually draw more attention and I can use that as a stepping stone to get myself back together on the inside. It's chaos in there right now. They say that only so much chaos can exist before harmony steps in to balance it out, but I believe that will be a while.

Oddly enough, they also say that elusive "one" is out there for us all. And I believe my "one" has come and gone. My mind is constantly plagued with what I could have done differently to make it all better, or what I could have done to keep things on the course. But perhaps there was nothing I could do - left with that powerless feeling of not knowing what to do for her, or for anyone. There are few worse feelings than having that thought and sense of being unable to do anything, completely out of answers, completely out of power to say, do, or fix anything.

Only thing worse, is that empty void in the heart where a special someone used to be, or in my case, still resides - regardless of the situation and how things have progressed. Life goes on though, and there isn't much else we can do. Next entry will have some more writing stuff, of this I promise. Perhaps I can sleep now once this 12 hour marathon is over. Adieu for now.

Commencing soon

Now that I've had a chance to let the aftereffects of the mental combustion settle down, my mind is working yet again and am able to focus on getting ideas put to paper and maybe get somewhere with beginning the writing. As stated in previous entries, my focus for the bad guys this time around will be organized religion and the main bad guy is about as radical as they come in any form. Most people usually associate radical with Islamic ties, but it comes in as many forms as there are religions in the world.

Cool moves, bro.

Christianity, the majority religion of the world with an estimated 2.2 billion followers is by far one of the ones that deserves more scrutiny than it is given. With 2.2 billion people following this religion, you can be assured that there are many radical elements within the ranks, ranging from mild ones such as Harold Camping who has predicted several "raptures", and nothing ever happened. Man has since passed, but his main followers did some questionable things during and after his passing.

This woman, as seen in the video, tried to avoid the rapture by attempting to kill herself and kids. When you have people like this in the world, you can assured other, more extreme versions of this belief exist. And that is why I chose it as the main subject for my book, because religion can be an evil and very devastating entity when left unchecked. As noted in the entry examining the problem of religion that began this entire thought, Ezekiel is being used a basis for the main bad guy, a protege of a very infamous historical figure in Jim Jones. Many within the Christian religion distance themselves from Jones, and with good reason: the man was a complete nutjob. But it's not a matter of distance themselves from him, or replying with the usual "He doesn't represent the entire faith" argument, it's the fact that people like him exist within the ranks of organized religion and that is my focus, not the religion as a whole. I've had people ask me why can't I use another religion for the bad guys, thinking that I am demonizing the Christian faith by doing this, but that would be playing into the hands of the world by viewing all other religions as the "fake" ones, or the "evil" ones, when Christianity itself is not devoid of these. Plus, it makes a much more interesting story when the enemy for a book, movie, or what have you, comes from within, instead of outside. Adding that layer of suspense and unknown to a piece of art makes it all the more enticing. 

With Jim Jones being a catalyst for setting the events of the book into motion, it only makes sense to indulge a bit into the other half of the equation: That of Travi Gladius's father, Nathan Gladius. Since part of the book will take place in the past, around the time of the infamous event in Jonestown, Guiyana. November 18th, 1979, presumably a couple hours after the event occurs. Using a historical figure or event and bending it somewhat to the story has been commonplace in some movies, books, and games especially (see Call of Duty: Black Ops II), this presents a perfect opportunity to use the same here and use the death of Jim Jones to catapult the main bad guy into his hatred for the unbelievers of the world, and none more than Nathan Gladius. Fast forward to the present, Ezekiel's hatred is for just about anyone who will not bow a knee, but none more than the Gladius family. This creates a new paradigm that can be an interesting plot point, making the struggle for the main character that much more intense. 

Indeed it is. 

As the story progresses, the fate of the world will hang in the balance and this will shift a lot of power around toward people looking for salvation from the very things being wrought on them by the ones who are supposed to shepherd them. In this, the role of the agency becomes critical as the main characters will literally be in a race against time before all life is extinguished by the "Breath of God". Placing this much emphasis on how destructive all of this can be, it shows that good souls can be found in all walks of life, not just inside the walls of a church, or within the confines of faith or religion. With the opening paragraphs, backgrounds will be established and it'll turn ugly in a hurry. With the first chapter, what history will call the "DC Panic" will occur, and it should set the tone for a very engrossing read. I hope that people will enjoy reading it as much as I will writing it. I haven't been this excited in a long while to begin a new project. 

YAY!

That's all for now, more later once I actually put some words to paper. Adieu for now.

 

I need a vacation

This would be perfect. Relaxing on the beach, taking in the sun and waves, and knowing the days are not even numbered until I get home. Ugh, man - I know I should cut back on my hours of working, but when your life revolves around it due to a lack of real things to do otherwise - you fill that void with something. I chose work and writing.

Speaking of writing, first draft is tentatively underway as I flesh out the opening prologue and thoughts by the speaker to lead the reader into the story. I'm not sure who is narrating this one, though it can be implied from the first one that Travi Gladius continues his narrative three years later into this book. He would know about what's going on, but the status of the world sounds like someone more for a character in the background, perhaps a Chekhov's Gun, or even an ace in the hole for the story later on. Haven't quite decided yet, but I'm sure it'll come to me here soon. I'm leaning toward just putting the characters being taken out on a bus and just never heard from again (presumably, they have moved on to greener pastures in their lives).

It's true I tell you.

I've had a few inquiries as to why I am excluding these characters, and the answer is simple: The people that these characters were based on have, themselves, moved onto greener pastures from my life. Where Travi Gladius could be a reflection of me, these people were reflections of the characters in the book. The exodus of people from my life continues at an alarming rate, but I have been adding new ones to replace these folks. K. I, M. P, and D. W - take care guys, been real, been fun - even been real fun at times - but life takes us on different paths. And a resounding fuck you to J. W for being an asshole despite ten years of friendship. It's all good though, I'm happy our paths have departed from one another.

Roger that Red Three. I digressed, and occasionally have to be told to get myself back on the path. Vacation wise, being a single man - there isn't much in the way of options unless it includes booze, boobs, and snooze. Having a few drinks would be awesome, finding some boobs to enjoy would be better, but ultimately - finding some time to catch up on the Z's I've lost over the last month or so would be the best. All three obviously would be grand, and worth the trip to any aspiring American male, but alas - beggars can't be choosers. Maybe a woman with nice boobs serving me a cold beer and willing to take a snooze with me? And by snooze, I mean snooze. She probably works hard as well, we all need some rest...right? A friend mentioned Montreal, which would be okay except for needing to get my passport. It's on the list, but we'll see. Otherwise, staying local (ala USA) would be preferable as passports are notoriously difficult to get situated, though it does need to be done eventually. Any extra-curricular activities during said vacation would be a big bonus, but I don't hold my breath on those.

After a mental breakdown this morning that has left me in a very sedated state of mind, oddly enough I feel more at peace after a mental snap than I do when I'm happy, I am now just trying to let my mind recover a bit before I make a new move. Trying to press the issue on seeking additional mental health help is a fallacy at this point, as medication perpetually puts me in this state of feeling blank and numb, while I'm fairly certain a therapist would find a way to strike the wrong cord on me and that poor soul would endure my wrath. I don't wish to lose it on anyone right now, because I'm not entirely sure that my apologies in the aftermath would be enough to really convey my lack of being able to control what I say. This is why I need a vacation in the worst way, some measure of dealing with all of this Something has to give before it's me. Because my mind cannot take too many more nuclear explosions inside the old cranium. It's already getting pretty packed in there with all the debris left over from previous ones.

Short post, but I just don't have anything right now. Adieu.

In between the action

Yep, unlike most video games - there is actually a lot of storyline in between the missions and this is where the characters do their most developing for the plot. Things such as reading into the mind of the character, their thoughts, dreams, desires, and their visions of the future create a great dynamic for them and for the reader. Knowing that each character has their own personality makes them that much more diverse and as my senior english teacher said: "They're not robots Kory! They may be soldiers, but they have feelings - they have desires, wants, needs. Fulfill those." Best advice I was ever given when writing this, and if Mrs. Beckett ever gets the chance to read this or the book, I hope I did her proud. When putting the comparison to a book, a video game equivalent would be an RPG. Speculation by associates of the past said it has elements of an RPG, combined with a shooter (preferably third person, ala Resident Evil). Such an idea would be interesting, and definitely have some merit if I ever get famous from all this.

"HAH! Get famous he said! Haha!"

In my original book, a lot of the growth of Travi Gladius occurred during these "down times" when he was dealing with day to day life. As in real life, in our own daily lives - we do our best learning and growing during these times than actually hitting a textbook, or a seminar on whatever it is you may be working toward. Daily life and gaining the valuable experience that comes with it are what grows us as human beings and this is something I shot for in the original. This extended out to the sub characters as well such as Alana, watching her go from being the cold hearted agent to warming back up knowing her brother is alive and well. Allison's journey from wishing to have Travi back in her arms, to being happily married to him. Such is life, such is writing - all of it again relating back to my post a couple days in how life is just one big book we write as we go. Being able to give these characters something to look forward to in their life, it makes my own life a bit more bearable to endure. All of it culminating in the fact that you can make life wonderful for someone, even if they are nothing more than characters in a book. To you, they have heart, they have soul, and they have lives. They are people as well, it's the only way to describe it. They can be a colorful as you want them to be.

Or as monotonous as these guys. Either works. Really.

Another aspect of the day to day comes when dealing with the exploits of the other main characters as well, primarily the antagonists and supporting. Keeping up with the plots being manufactured allows the reader a certain amount of knowing, while also keeping some of it behind closed doors until it comes time to be revealed. Part of it can be relished from the fact that the reader knows something and the characters are in for a big surprise, which can be exciting, or nail biting depending on the situation. Even though they are the bad guys, they are still human in most cases - and humans have thoughts, ambitions, and dreams that have to be seen, read, and put into play for the reader's imagination to go wild with. Most of the day to day is impromptu when I write, as it's easier to let the characters decide how their days will go.

And most are just the run of the mill 9-5ers.

Next entry may have an update on the status of the first writing, still fleshing out details as I hit a minor snag. However, I'm jotting some ideas on the notepad on how to resolve it. Doesn't seem to awful bad yet - the first of many road blocks I'm sure.

Adieu for now.

 

In Trance

Since I have some spare time while I finalize details to begin writing, I figured I would make a post tonight while I'm thinking about it and keep you all enthralled with the prospect of more stuff to come. All that is mainly needed now is to get my storyline together and figure out how to get it all on paper. It'll come to me here soon.

Today though, it's all about reflection and dreams. Reflections upon things that may be, and thoughts of dreams that I would like to see made into reality. They always say that it only takes some measure of effort to make them a reality, but when those dreams involve someone else, it is not a story you can write alone. It has to be written together, and most people do not like having their story written for them. But when it comes to a relationship, it has to be co-authored and has to be an outline that is put together by both sides. And perhaps this is the line that most people cannot, or will not, cross for whatever reason. It is then that you realize that life is just one big book being written by you, and the ones you want to be part of it. The same goes for music, in terms of evoking thoughts, feelings, emotions, or just general well being of the mind and heart. When the mind is stimulated, all manner of good things can happen and it shows the importance of maintaining a healthy way of thinking - a task much easier said than done and I'm the world's worst when it comes to it.

An enchanting theme, made better by the remaster.

During a discussion last night with a few friends and confidants, the issue of intimacy came about and how the aspects of it, including sexually, make a love life that much more comforting and involving for both sides. I have always been classified as a hopeless romantic, and way behind the societal norms as what constitutes dating and relationships, but that is because I choose to be. I personally like to believe that chivalry isn't dead, and there is still some measure of hope left for people like me who are in love with love. The ones who believe in passion, who believe in romance, and believe in true love. (Pardon using an urban dictionary definition, but it's actually the best I could find.) Things such as the image at the left are things I crave, and things I cherish when I have them. I have always been the one to go the extra mile in situations where I feel like I must. Even to those who feel like we don't, we do - and it makes us feel better when we see the smile it puts upon your face. We don't do it because we're materialistic, and we never expect anything in return except to be loved. That is all a hopeless romantic ever asks for.

With me, the smallest gestures of my affection toward someone are the things that make me feel great. Knowing I can brighten your day is the greatest feeling in the world, and it allows me to have that reassurance that my deeds don't go unnoticed. It's 110% or nothing. I miss writing the poems to the woman I loved, buying her the flowers she enjoyed for the sake of it, and just texting her "Good morning" and wishing her a wonderful day. After having such things part of your life for so long, they are memories and feelings that do not fade. Setting it all up as a surprise gift for her to wake up to, or to brighten her day when she was sad. I miss it all: The hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the holding hands, and the just looking into her eyes and seeing straight into her soul, and knowing this woman is the one I love. Days gone by, days that I would love to have back.

For now, stare into the sun and let its rays cleanse your soul.

I'll be back on story related stuff tomorrow, just in a thought provoking mood and had to let some feelings loose. Adieu for now.

Mission Start!

A little music for your day while I put everything together for this entry. A great piece of instrumental work from Crisis Core on the PSP, the prequel of Final Fantasy VII. I actually had this playing during the opening scene in the first book, followed by its immediate next track, which is a remake of the "Bombing Mission" theme from the original game. The title of this entry is due to the fact that I somehow managed to put together a VERY rough outline on the missions for the book, along with main story plots to keep an eye on it. There will be a lot of backstory in between the missions, and more in the way of investigation along with character development. I always do my best to minimize "filler" material, but when it comes to the story, making sure the characters develop in ways that makes them happy is how the book proceeds. Watching the characters grow through the story, just like us in real life - you want to watch them mature and move past challenges. After a while, with everything that a mind can put them through, you have to wonder if they...

That'd be pretty mad.

Anyhow, onto the main points - the mission log is done and the official "count" would be in the league of eight or so. The original book had eight as well, giving it an even sixteen on the series. Much of the time, like the original, is spent in the day to day of the team and their workings toward resolving the situation, developing the relationships of the characters, envisioning the new ones ambitions, and most of all, making sure that all of them play their primary roles to the best of their ability. A character that can be better should always be made better, unlocking their hidden potential.

Unlocking the potential of a character can be a lot of trouble sometimes, especially when you don't have a solid foundation of where they stand. I tend to go with the D&D stance on determining a character's alignment. They are simple to use and have clear cut definitions which make it easier to classify them. Granted, these stances change over time if needed.

Characters like Travi Gladius, Bill Bishop, Allison Gladius, and Heather Greene are all inherently Lawful Good. Meanwhile, characters like the main bad guy in the church is Lawful Evil transitioning to Chaotic Evil over time. Then there are characters like Alana who could be classified as Neutral Good, or Chaotic Good depending on the situation. This dynamic allows for multiple scenarios, and also allows a lot of freedom in character development - even when limiting down to the main nine used in the link above. Some characters fit in the middle somewhere, others can be on one end of the spectrum or the other depending on the circumstances. 

Reducing the number of active combatants during the missions was a top priority this time around, as noted in an earlier entry, about how managing that many guns at once can be a little confusing and anticlimatic if not done correctly. Despite the fact that there will be multiple people present, I'm trying to keep my amount of combat related text to Travi and Bill, however - propriety dictates that it will be necessary to involve other characters. But I'm still bringing that number down to around three or four, from as many as seven in the original book. This will help me streamline the missions somewhat and also allow me more detail to the situations instead of worrying about who is firing next. 

"I'm tellin' ya, it's Who's turn to shoot!"

Next entry, I'm going to be finalizing a few details on how I want to advance the plot and what genres I want to input. The first book had a solid mixture of some comedy (which, the two comic relief guys are gone in this iteration), action, thriller, drama, and even some romance. All of these elements made for good story, so I'll look at how I can incorporate all of these yet again. For now though, I have to get a water pump fixed in my car since it very inconveniently decided to blow. My reaction was similar to this yesterday:

Yep, I was mad.

Adieu for now.